My nails are a shiny jet black and long. Not the short unpolished look I used to wear.
If I'm not showing off my undercut I have wild dark curls that frame my face, and a strong mauve lipstick. More and more I'm wearing sleek black clothes. I love my sports jackets. I make an entrance in the room because I'm the only one at work that has the clip-clip-clip of pumps. Heels every day.
Some days I don't smile and allow people to move out of my way because I have $*** to do. I power through the workload on my desk. I look my colleagues in the eye, execute my job precisely, and catch small details that could easily fall by the wayside. I march myself to my colleagues' offices to find answers because if I waited for everyone to answer the phone or respond to an email my job would never get done.
These are the days I have a gate around my heart. I don't allow anything to touch it because it needs time to heal.
Some days I'm all smiles. I meander between cubicles and listen to what's new in everyone's lives. I laugh loudly and authentically. I drink too much coffee or tea and make secret inappropriate jokes. I fake-complain that people don't understand how to work with our department, but then secretly smile when I can solve their problems. I daydream about technology upgrades and write documentation on how I hope to improve our systems. I plan for the future.
These are the days I am strong enough to let the world in.
I'm unapologetic. Both versions of Yail, I'm unapologetic.
I write this all because sometimes I need to visualize myself being strong. Sometimes I'm not. But I know I can be, and the more I remind myself of my power the more good days I have.
