If this is a midlife crisis, unfortunately this is a long journey you are embarking on - whether you decide to stand or not. I stood for a while, but then made the difficult decision that for mine and my children’s well being that I couldn’t anymore...but that doesn’t mean the journey is over. I still want XH to get through this and be a good dad and live a happy life. And I still have my own issues I’m working through.
I know at the beginning I just wanted things back the way they were. I would bend over backwards, making promises, anything to get him to change his mind. It doesn’t work. Even if she were to return in the short term, it’s out of guilt, or maybe a brief moment of clarity. If they come back quickly, they did not do the work to get through the crisis, they will do it again.
Sorry to be blunt, because I know you’re grieving and you want your life back and you love your wife, but you need to know that the marriage you once had is gone. Maybe your wife make it through this crisis and you guys will reconnect down the road, maybe she’ll live in this replay stage forever, maybe she’ll make it through still decide she doesn’t want the life she had. There is no way to know. But for now you have to act as if this is over. Fake it til you make it. Think of yourself and your children only. Make intelligent, well thought out decisions that benefit you. I’m not saying go out of your way to be a dick to your wife...but she will use you and take advantage of you if you let her, so don’t do things because you think it will make her see the light. This crisis is about her, not you. You didn’t break her and you can’t fix her.
If Your name is on the deed/mortgage, I would try to get back in the house. Make sure you are seeing your boys no less than 50% of the time. Get your fare share of everything. Get a new bank account if you have joint accounts. If she has a card on your credit card account, cancel it. See a lawyer, get an agreement in place. Take your focus off your wife’s shenanigans, don’t snoop or find out more than you need to. It just hurts and it doesn’t change anything. It will backfire.
I know this is so extremely difficulty, and likely the hardest thing you will ever go through in your life. Things are going to get harder for a long while before they start to get easier. Find one or two really close friends or a counsellor you can confide in. Be vague with mutual friends and family. Try not to rant and share every detail of your wife’s crisis with anyone that will listen. To me, it will make reconciliation harder. Also, for example if she felt like the kids teachers, friends, whatever, were making judgment on her, it will make her withdraw and cut ties even more. This will likely happen anyway.
You will think that everything I say doesn’t apply to you. You will make mistakes. It’s ok, we all do it. Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t blaim yourself for this mess. Do a lot of self reflection, but be kind to yourself...you are not the monster your wife is making you out to be and you didn’t ruin her life.
That’s my two cents, 2 years after my own bomb drop. And again sorry to be blunt, I hope I am not coming off as emotionless. Trust me, I was a hot mess for a long time. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I lost 40 pounds in 6 months. As soon as the kids were asleep I cried and paced the halls for hours every night. But I promise you it will get better eventually. Just try not to get sucked into her BS.
