I had a couple of conversations with H yesterday. We started off by talking about the childcare arrangements. He wants me to take both kids for most of every weekend from now until his project is over. I can understand that and I want to help him. I got a bit upset on the phone - I think I was just tired and sad and at a low point - but I wasn't blaming or needed and he was very understanding and kind about it. We ended up having a good talk. He said he could see the changes I was making and he was proud of me. I said I could see he was doing his best too. I said I felt angry. He said he found that really scary. I said I wasn't angry at him anymore, just at the situation and where we'd got ourselves to and how hard it was on us all. He said he really wanted to find a way to make it work, but he just felt so tired and depleted and anxious about this project that he didn't have much to offer. I validated that, and he was very validating towards me, and we left it at that. He's been good since at sending encouraging and affectionate text messages.
We have the meeting tomorrow arranged to talk over boundaries and house rules and consequences for the kids. I sent over an outline of what I thought last week. He responded with a list of complaints about it. I took a deep breath and tried to see it as anxiety and worry rather than more moaning and criticism, and I said, 'I want to compromise with you and find an agreement. I want you to feel your needs are being met by this. It would help if you could tell me what specific suggestions for changes you have on the areas that you don't feel good about right now.' That felt like a 180 for me - responding assertively - and also requires a 180 from him in coming up with some suggestions and requests of his own rather than just tearing mine down.
I'm a bit nervous about the meeting tomorrow. We've put a time limit on it so it doesn't take up the whole morning - we both have other things planned. I feel a bit hopeful and a bit sad too. But I had a great time with the kids so far this weekend, and have more GAL planned tomorrow and the puppy is here! I bought myself a pretty extravagant Mother's Day present for tomorrow (out of my own money, not family funds) in case H forgets about it, and because I wanted something nice and I deserve it.
