Wow. Anthony it sounds like your W is not only coming to terms with the present, but likes a part of the new you and the communication dynamics you are implementing.
Also Anthony a part of me understand your wife when she talks about her personality and her intensity. The parts where she says
"Thanks for the talk. It’s been very difficult Anthony. When we have conversations like we just had I feel better and more positive about things. Like there could be a chance. Then it backfires the next day or so... I do better with communicating when we’re both level headed."
" I’m a very emotionally expressive person and I act out in the fashion I have because of it. I’m intense. I have come to realize that. I am a very dramatic and an intense person. I think you struggle with that because I am opposite of how you are. I don’t know if you can handle that."
This resonated and stuck out with me particularly because I am an emotionally intense person with no filter. 10 years ago, a month after my wife and I were married, I lost my job due to some extraneous circumstance, but also continued to struggle with other certain jobs loss all throughout my life, due to mild impulses, or mild learning disabilities or anxieties. Anyway. 10 years ago I was assessed as not having ADD but ADD like symptoms, poor executive management, poor time management, performance frustration, and even an very mild auditory processing impairment for receiving verbal instructions with my left ear. Bare with me here as I an getting to my point. I was also assesent from my neuro psych interview 10 years ago as having possible BPD characteristics, and negative like thinking due to familial history. When I'm sad, people know it, and know about it. When I'm frustrated, confused, or upset, people know about it. When I am critical of myself or others, people know about it. When I'm happy and having a great time, people know about it. Im very expressive and not the type to bottle emotions and stuff things down. But they need healthy regulation. This im sure amongst other things has caused my marriage to deteriorate on my part. My W in the past has called it "the Dr. Jeckyl Mr. Hyde effect"
In other words one hour I love my W for who she is, and the next hour, I come across as critical and pissed at her, having called her lazy a few times in our MR, for sitting on the couch all day watching TV, playing games, and leaving her messes for me, which takes time away from my open ended projects for the last 7 years, for not cleaning up after her messes for 10 years, which costs me time and energy.
So I looked into BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) more after W BD'd me as a form of emotional regulation and therapy. I realized that I verbalize my feelings a lot with people close to me, and am the type that doesn't hold anything back, or anything in. When I am frustrated, W has perceived me as scary. I believe my reactions are somewhat normal, but could be less frequent, with less intensity. A few times I have banged the counter top in frustration. This apparently scares her. Its a bad learned behavior of mine. Sometimes I have said words impulsively without thinking of consequences, that once the barn door is open, I cannot take back, all for the sake of venting.
I have learned that in relationships, people with BPD, we are exciting and attractive people in the beginning, but have difficulties maintain very long term relationships due to emotional regulation, black and white thinking, a desire to have empathy, but a mild inability to express it, and other things.
Although I am only in my 3rd session. What BPD CBT/DBT training is about is about is emotional regulation, thought process, chain of event, triggers, etc. through identification, and assigned exercises.
May be helpful and useful to you if you look into all the different personaliy types, BPD, and also the different cluster personality types, and how they play out in relationships. Such as Cluster A Cluster B etc...It may give you some valuable insight on how to relate and communicate with your W better.
