So I got back from a spring break trip with the kiddos. My W wanted to talk tk me when we got back. We spoke about dissolution. She had went through the paperwork again and I had other things there that I was unaware I had. The do’s and donts from the website here. It was a copy and paste and cleaned up in word so no website was divulges.
We spoke about the dissolution and how I just don’t see a path to reconcile. She agreed. We spoke some more and we came up with some agreements and discussed the past a little (she did) and I told her I do not... she interrupted me and said, I know you don’t want to talk about the past. I said that it isn’t that I don’t want to talk about the past but I am done arguing about the past. I also told her that I am done apologizing for the past. She mentioned that well the OM was in the past. I asked her if she still talks to him. She said on occasion. I said then it is not the past but the present. We discussed a few more things about the kids and our history. She finally admitted that there were plenty of fun times together that she hadn’t mentioned in months. Everything was bad or unhappy times just a month ago. She couldn’t come up with one happy time a month ago when we spoke.
So we left the conversation with us both coming up with our view of a dissolution since 100% agreement would be needed and she left.
She also has noticed some changes. She said that my taste in music has changed and thought I was being hateful. I said I am not hateful. The hard rock gets me pumped for my workouts. She then mentioned how clean I have been keeping the house. Everything in its place and neat and tidy. She also mentioned that j am reading s lot which she knows I never liked reading. So she has noticed my 180s. I have been working out like nonstop as well. I am feeling like the best shape of my life in 15 years.
Another thing was her BFF was here at my house while I was at work during the first part of spring break. I told her that she is not welcome in this house. That was another reason that I am looking into dissolution because I am done with the partying and I believe her BFF is a toxic person and some of her other friends she is hanging out with are not ones that I want to have part of my life going forward.
I then get the following email from her that she must have wrote up right after our conversation:
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Thanks for the talk. It’s been very difficult Anthony. When we have conversations like we just had I feel better and more positive about things. Like there could be a chance. Then it backfires the next day or so... I do better with communicating when we’re both level headed.
I’m still very torn right now. This has absolutely nothing to do with a third party. Nothing whatsoever. You’ve gotta understand that. I wanted to leave because I was unhappy with us not because I started talking to someone else. I wouldn’t give up 17 years for some quick feelings for a stranger I just met. I know I said some [censored] to you while I was drinking and you also have to understand that it’s an over reactive response(because I was very drunk). Plus my emotions have been up and down with everything so how I might have thought I felt at that moment is not how I feel right now. I’m sure you can relate.
You also have to understand that if I decide to come back home(and if you agree on that as well) it’s b/c I want to get us to work and I completely got rid of the third party. You will just have to believe me. No handwritten notes. Just trust and being honest with each other. I’m not going to do something out of my normal realm like write a note. That’s not me. I am also not getting rid of my friends. I can allow space where you two aren’t around each other but I’m telling you all decisions I have made have been my own. She did rub off on me a little in the beginning but I straightened up before we started going to the bars. That’s the truth. The excessive drinking was just my response to the turmoil I felt our relationship was in. I was trying to take all of my pain away and feel numb. I’m a very emotionally expressive person and I act out in the fashion I have because of it. It’s part of those grandma genes for sure and hell you know how my dad is….Has nothing to do with BFF or anyone else. I’m intense. I have come to realize that. I am a very dramatic and an intense person. I think you struggle with that because I am opposite of how you are. I don’t know if you can handle that. I truly don’t and I don’t mean that in a bad way I am just honestly not for sure.
I am totally fixated on where I feel we are at right now. I have been looking for anything and everything to tell me which direction to take. Lately I’ve only seen the bad so I’ve focused on dissolution or divorce. Then I talk to you today and I’m having mixed feelings… I am looking at how we do in communication and getting along and if I have feelings still. I can tell I still have feelings for you. I don’t know if they’re accurate or if I’m just trying to hold onto something that isn’t there anymore. Like a façade. Does that make sense? A lot has happened. Trust has been broken we have both been dishonest. I have had trouble with you being emotionally withdrawn for a long time as well and I tried to cope and compensate through other means. I can’t keep doing that it has [censored] me up. I need more and I just don’t know if you can get there. I’m such an intense person Anthony I just don’t know if anyone can give me what I need. I’m probably better off alone. That’s why my grandmothers lived alone I know it.
For now I would like to continue at least what we’re doing since we’re on the same page and in decent communication. I will start working on the dissolution stuff and then we can get together for a conversation to see if we can come to an agreement. I don’t want to file anything. I just feel like we should at least have things set in case. Continue what we’re doing and try to keep on good terms with the communication. I’ve felt even more distant from how I perceived you were being. I think that is what the issue is on both sides. If you can continue with conversations like you had with me today it would be beneficial.
