Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

Session at the gym went well. I was and am still agitated. My trainer and I used that to push tonight. Didn't help my state of mind.
As I said in the post above, looks like I will be divorced.
I am crushed. We are to broken to heal. I know I am not done growing. However I feel that I am a failure. Yes, 50 percent end in divorce. I wasn't supposed to be that 50 percent. My actions weren't the only ones that got us here. Mine are the only ones I can attempt to correct. I am making that effort. She views it as too little too late. Church... not a real effort. Everything else. no good, why are you trying.

Some misguided effort here then. I am trying to do all of this for me. Maybe I have been lying to myself all along. The gym, church, trying to improve my self other ways... all a lie and waste of resources.

Is there a silver lining in this cloud? Three kids, five grandkids, extended family... right now mean so much less without her as part of it.

I was hit by a car when I was 6th or 7th grade. I was injured but not too badly. Why?

I like an orderly world. Don't always get it but preferred. Now... devastated. This is among the worst days of my life. Trust there are better days ahead I am told.

I love her. I want her to be happy. I haven't or can't let go... so I have lost my beautiful wife. I can't tell her any of this. She won't accept it or believe it. Respect... love... all gone on her side. and my side is bursting.

Everything else is going through the motions. Has been for a long time.