Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[P_Jam]

wow, 4.5yrs? Have you 'moved on' even though you would still recon? Dating? How old are the kids? Do you still consider yourself actively DB'ing? or just living 'normal' now with hope that she'll come around some day?

I'm sure you can tell it's been rough couple of days for me. Today especially and for the first time I really can't identify it. It's just this under current. I'm leaving tomorrow for 7 day golf trip. Have really been looking forward to getting away, but today I can't feel that excitement. I don't feel too ''worried" about the trip, I'm pretty sure I'll relax a little tomorrow once I'm on the road. It's probably because when I return is when she moves out. last week I was really looking forward to her moving, my mind was on the projects/space and solitude of not looking at her every day.

Just had another 'talk' with her as we were on our way to our son's school where he received an award. She wants to go to the apartment again tonight to finish putting together furniture (like she did last night but came home drunk as well). It' just got under my skin. And I just sighed and said "man I cann't wait until I have some space". She said: "we'll that wasn't necessary". I told her I didn't mean to be rude, but its just so tiring to deal with whole process of moving out over an entire month. I know that's probably what she is doing (having wine with a friend and finishing the apartment) but it's just so exhausting to think/wonder what she's doing/thinking. What could have been? It seems easy for her right now, even though she says it's not.

Anyway, I'm only guessing the timing is what's going on inside of me. But I really don't know.. Up until this point I've always been able to identify what issue/situation is affecting which emotion. today is just BLAH! It's days like today that I want to reach down and find "anger". So that I can think of her as a worthless slut, be disgusted by the image in my head and hate her. But I've have yet to feel any hate. Remorse, anger, DISAPPOINTMENT, anxiety all come rushing in daily - but not hate. I do look at her differently, when she's naked in the bathroom or something I find myself finding pieces that aren't attractive and trying to build off that so that I can try to find more hate. But I have to work on it. She's the mother of my children and she's done great at that (up until now).

Welp.. so it's a bad day. I have another shot tomorrow! Thanks for the chat.