Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[P_Jam]

LH,

Again I appreciate your directness. I get it, I may be a victim but only if I accept it. I guess the goal/point is to get to a point where I don't feel like one?

Regarding control: Fully accept your criticism and agree. This is one MAJOR issue I am working on with IC. I was taught at a young age (through my parents divorce) when I had to take on the role of 'parent' to control situations. I had no other skills/tools to deal with the crisis and was thrust into a role I shouldn't have been. <-- no excuse, just fact. I need to resolve this. I would also say that the general control issue is also affecting my overall ability to detach right now. But I'm curious how/why my comments made this so obvious to you? Which part? The snooping (which a lot of done), or the need to 'get this off my chest'. Generally speaking I'm sure it's a combination - but I would guess you're referring to me NEEDING to have my 'conversation' with her? A more mature individual really would not have this need?

I've dealt with crisis all my life, a lot because I've even learned to create crisis to then 'solve'. I ruminate and always feel like I should be doing something. Very little stillness.

I'm also sure that i had some control issues in my relationship over the years, but I am having a harder time identifying them. Early on in our relationship I had trust issues. But she did a great job in helping me get over that (as well as jealousy). When I reflect on our issues I find that I was more controlling in the sense of NGS and covert contracts, etc. More about not being upfront with my needs and using more of a manipulation to get what I wanted. So not in the same sense that I feel the 'control' problem right now. For example; It has been extremely tough for me to stop snooping. I I'm felling withdrawals - but have this NEED to always know what is going on. I know stopping the snooping and facing this head on is part of resolving this issue - but doesn't mean it's easy. But i did not snoop or watch my wife, or control what/where/when she went in ANY way. It's not even a BD complaint. Mostly that I was 'moody' and she often felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. This was more of the NGS as described above and a way for me to feel emotionally protected. Not necessarily the same type of control issues you so rightly identified. So i'm really looking for your insight and any suggestions.