I do need to 2x4 you on your last statement to her. You did pretty well, though I would encourage you to do more listening and validating, until that last statement:
"I'm also sorry for the choices you are making."
That was dripping with judgment and accusation.
Her:"I'm sorry this isn't going the way you want." You:"Thank you for that. Life doesn't always go the way we want, but there are better days ahead."
or "Thank you for that. I can understand how all of this must make you feel."
Steve, why even respond to that garbage? And if you do respond, why shield her from her own actions?
His W isn't actually sorry that things aren't going the way Niall wants them to go. She just feels bad about being an adulterer. I think no response or an honest response is better. But to thank her and say things will get better? I wouldn't. Then she just keeps the onus of her actions on Niall.
Niall, my W was whining and crying in MC one time and said "When you say that I left OM's bed and came and got in the MB with you it made me feel like a slut". Well, guess what? You should feel like a slut. That is a slutty thing to do! Not my fault.
That's my instinct too and probably why I said what I said. But so much of this is about resisting those instincts and doing what's effective rather than what feels good. I think she should marinate in her guilt a bit but she won't be open to hearing that from me right now. Probably counterproductive. I probably should have said nothing or something like, "I'll be fine."
Listen. Validate. No need to try to guilt or shame her. Trust me, she is feeling all of that already!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
