Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

I haven't had to deal with it. However, why can't it be both? D2 has to be going to bed at what? 8pm? Go out after. If she is going out, she could go out after too, though you can't control that.

So do bedtime routine, then go out. On nights your plans legitimately interrupt that, then have W do those nights. You aren't doing anything wrong by going out and GAL. And look at this way, kind of like road construction, "short-term inconvenience leads to long-term relief". If you do this well, and are able to save your MR, that will be a huge bonus to D2.

I've done that a lot, especially when going to my friends next door. For a long time she was totally asleep between 8 and 8:30. Since W returned from her week away last month, D2 has been much harder to get to sleep and it's been more like 9:30 or 10. During the week away D2 barely noticed W was gone, but since W returned she's been very clingy. Changing naptimes, starting the process earlier, nothing has helped much.

I think, when I'm more honest with myself, that I still find it sad that W and I get out of the house only separately. I think we were overdue for some separate friends and nights out. Especially W. Without using, or even knowing, the term, W had some difficulty with self-differentiation in our M. Having a child made that even worse. Even less time to be an individual.

But W hit this point where she has to go from 100% about me and MR to 0%, which I consider even more unhealthy. Too bad she can't be comfortable with something in the middle. I'm giving up on thinking I can control that.

I do need to 2x4 you on your last statement to her. You did pretty well, though I would encourage you to do more listening and validating, until that last statement:

"I'm also sorry for the choices you are making."

That was dripping with judgment and accusation.

Her:"I'm sorry this isn't going the way you want."
You:"Thank you for that. Life doesn't always go the way we want, but there are better days ahead."

or "Thank you for that. I can understand how all of this must make you feel."

Thanks for the much-needed 2x4. Staying quiet and validating is a skill I'm learning and not quite there yet. I'm pretty angry these days and I do feel that, although I played my part in getting us to this point, it's been her choice alone to take it in this direction. I try to remind myself that expressing how I feel about it is not the most important thing. Things still slip out.