I have a question for LH19 as far as co- mingling and parenting. But first I wanted to share a little familial history and establish mindsets on the different dynamics between my W and my own family regarding the subject of divorce. The thing is neither one of our families really believe in Divorce, however we both have different experiences with it within our families.
W's side of family W's Aunt has been divorced from ex husband because of him cheating over 35 years ago. However Aunt and her XH are friends, and XH still attends all family affairs amicably with his new W and everyone gets along just fine.
The Aunt has just recently remarried after 35 years. The Aunt had a best friend for over 30 years ago from nursing school. The Aunt interestingly enough, remarried her now former best friend's XH. Her now ex best friend was somewhat of a toxic person. The Aunt recently married her ex best friend's XH a year after he was divorced, and they started dating. The Aunt is now married to him as of this past year.
As of this last month, my BIL, W's youngest sibling, was married for a year, and is now seperated after just buying a house. His W BD'd him 2 months after my W BD'd me.
Also for years, but even more so now. My W has been hanging out with my youngest brother's ex GF from 7 years ago, who is now also recently divorced. After having a special needs child, her XH was somewhat neglecting according to her.
This is probably where my W gets her presumptions that I am willing to attend all family functions, and continue to be involved amicably even though we are to be seperated in future. Her family members love me unconditionally and wants me around for occasions in future.
I will elaborate on our discussion which occurred on her birthday 2 days ago, further down the paragraphs.
As far as my family. My older brother is the only immediate family member of mine to experience a very nasty, hostile and turbulent divorce, where my XSIL was mentally ill. Both parties were ruined from the family courts, physically injured from authorites, custodial battles for 15 years, etc. My nieces are grown now. My oldest estranged brother's W is the sister of my other brother's XW. All of this has caused great tension for many reasons over the last 30 years. My oldest brother's W seperated from him 16 years ago, has had 2 MLC's and was experiencing "the grass is greener effect" on both occasions.
When my W and I were first married, she picked my two nieces as flower girls, but wanted there Mom, my older brother's XW present at the wedding to care for my nieces, to alleviate my W responsibility of caring for them, since they were a bit wild then. My family and myself were adamant about not having my brother's XW there because of the hostility. Futhermore, my oldest brother, W and kids were invited, but not the sister. None the less when it came to family photo time, I was on edge, and not present that day because, for other reasons, and also because of my father who was an instigator. But I know that I can only control me, and shouldn't have to apologize for anyone.
My W's family pushed to have the ex at our wedding, and me and my family pushed to not invite her. Although our families never spoke to one another about this, they used my W and I as go betweens to make a decision. Thus caused great tension between us early on. My family are also very dysfunctional co dependant, very disgustingly disorganized, and lack healthy life skills. They are the "misery loves company" types. Supportive in convo, but not heakthyin lifestyle. Lack of vision and growth. So I have no support system for change, and an going at new life. Nor can I fall back to live with them temporarily nor would I want to.
So here we have two different beliefs and exoeriences as far as family's perspective. We don't believe in divorce according to we are raised. Also I might mention my W is Protestant and somewhat Liberal, and had a GM and GF in ministry. I am currently a non practing Catholic, but have deep biblical beliefs. have become very conservative about politics and spirituality over the years. Especially with divorce. I don't believe in it. Period. Although. I have blurted it many times before out of frustration in the MR when living habits would collide frequently. My mistake.
So my W isn't taking D off the table and would like a few years of space, time, counciling, and healing to work out her feelings, re-develop her sence of self again, and pursue her newly found goals, fantasies, dreams, lifestyles, self growth and possibly other relationships. She is no longer romantically attracted to me. But who cares at this point.
We have had many traumatic events occur with both our families over past 1p years. Divorce, suicide, ill family members, deceased members, financial struggles, dynamics changing, members moving away, etc. You know. Life. We have also had a lot of dynamic issues inside MR with careers, finances, housing, child rearing, etc. She seems to equate all this to our marriage, even though the events stem from both sides. Its no wonder they go into fight or flight mode.
Now onto the other night after W's bday. I got a very appreciative thank you, recognition for real thoughtfulness and consideration, got a hug, and a long discussion last night with her initiating and doing ALL THE TALKING, where I just shut up, validated and listened, and literally did none of the talking.
We haven't talked, or she hasn't showed me any emotion or discussion in last 2month or so, and we have been somewhat avoiding each other living in IHS for about 2 months. BD was 6 months ago. Over the last 2 months since IHS we only discuss logistics, and financials, avoiding any inter-personal discussions. I have now held back in revealing anything personal, since it won't get reciprocated emotionally anyway. Just validated by her. She has been emotionally closed off until birthday, has dropped individual MC, and is now looking for new LSCW IC.
The post birthday convo was somewhat amusing because beteeen her pausing, in convo, I wouldnt say anything, and just look at her as if she had something else to say, and she would go right along talking without me having to say or ask anything. (Not reading into it.) But I want to explain the context of the convo, and I have a question regarding co-parenting and family affairs.
The context of the convo was her expressing real gratitude and sincerity for the bday presents, and card (The theme was relating to her new future life seperated.) (She wants to grow saffron and lavendar, start a micro farm, and live in a tiny home) She also expressed the same concern I had earlier in the month about where she is going to live, how we are both overwhelmed how we are going to purge all the stuff in our current home, fix the house, get it on the market and sell it.
She started to grasp the realities and her feelings about being a single mom, and how scary its going to be for her, how she will be responsible for more, how she won't be protected, and how she is going to have to do a lot of things on her own, be somewhat lonely, but then transitioned to on how she is going to see me every other day with the exchange of our S1.
This is where it gets interesting....
Because I attended her Bday at MIL, got the cake, presents, and everything, (My 180 from past exp.)
She went on to express how in the future, I could be present at all her family occasions. She was actually asking me if I wanted to accompany her and my son to go to the beach next week, on a weekday, despite me having to work, and and having a lot of current money issues. I declined for obvious reasons. She has always done things like this in past inside MR, not realizing my own needs for work, and assuming availability. She went on to mention that I can still go on vacation, and hang out with her relatives, and this seperation can be an amicable one where I can always be involved with her, and her family lives unconditionally. with her relatives, MIL, FIL, etc, and still hang out and maintain relations. She was forecasting, romanticizing, and assuming how I am always going to still be there, under the context of for our son, but still seperated. She illustrated the difference between her mindset and my mindset from our families experiences. I said nothing and just acknowledged and validated. She also keeps verbally romanticizing and forecasting in her mind how much of an emotional mess she is going to be the day our house is sold, and we go our separate ways. I asked her why? She said because its saying goodbye to all our hopes, dreams, and start of our family. So I just listened.
Other than important occasions involving S1 I don't know how I feel about this with her foreshadowing those expectations with family events in future. I love her family members, and wouldn't mind hanging out with them without my W at all. They are great people. But from my perspective. How is anyone suppose to heal if they are constantly going to family occasions along with their WAW or STBXW just like they were before as if they were married?
I wouldn't mind attending important functions on occsision. But my mentality is what is the point of even seperating then?
So sorry for the long familial history, but what I am trying to figure out is. Was she telling me all this and being nice because of her sincere appreciation, because she is emotionally opening herself up again? Or is it because of her family's experience with these kinds of circumstsnces. Or is it because, she hasn't fully let go, and would still like to keep me around at an arms length distance after seperation?
I obviously haven't cracked the fog, but I wonder if she was temp checking, and if I am just starting to detach, maybe she sensed I'm leaning into her life plans, and wanted to see if I would respond favorably to her? Sorry but I'm not Plan B nor will I ever be. Ill be there for the kid.. But that's it. But I didn't tell her that. I just listened. She's trying to paste her reality on top of mine.
I don't like the idea of playing family as if our M was still intact. I either want the M or not at all. Im not going to be her Gay BFF ex husband pursuing her post physical seperation if she gets the itch to hang out for some reason. She is my W to me still until those D papers are signed.
Not because the rings are off, not because she says ILYBNILWYA, not because of feelings that can be mislead, not because we are selling the house and dividing everything. Granted I don't trust her anymore for all these reasons. Sometimes I even ask myself why do I still want to make this work even though these sacred trusts have been breached?
So what do you guys think? Is she having second thoughts? Going off WAW script? Or is it familial conditioning and experience? Or is it parental cake eating? She is an unintentional cake eater.
