Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[Davide]

(I apologize ahead of time for the following rant. I just needed to get things off my chest)

It is strange. When i wrote that post I was actually in a better place. Spring break really helped with that. I was feeling pretty positive about everything.

Yet, I fell into another backspin recently. I had some horrible classes yesterday and they really left me despondent. My students didn't want to do the activities that I had planned and everything fell flat. The worst part for me is knowing that it is my own damn fault as I am not spending sufficient time prepping the classes. I can get myself motivated (generally) when up in front of my students, and be present and in-the-moment with them. However, I struggle to do the same outside of the classroom, and it makes me feel like I am shitty at my job. I have a ton of freedom in my curriculum and my teaching, and I often feel like I am squandering it. I could do just about anything I wanted, and I am half-assing it. They say that life is a struggle and it is simply a question of choosing what is worth your time struggling at, finding meaning in the struggle. What does it say that I can't bring myself to struggle with this? It also makes me question looking for a new job. It's hard to project confidence when you know how brittle the facade really is. Why would I enjoy the struggle more elsewhere? I don't want to run away if it is really just a question of facing up to my own issues.

There are clear exterior signs when I am struggling. I don't maintain the house nearly as well. My diet gets really undisciplined and I tend to stress-eat (people struggle to believe that even skinny people do.) I am quieter and engage less with others.

I'm trying to understand the causes. Part of it is exhaustion as I have been tired all week, starting off poorly with sleep an not being able to catch up in addition to all the exercise I have done. I have been out every night this week, which is good socially, but not so much in terms of rest. I missed a yoga class on Wednesday because I was out on a date Tuesday night and didn't get back until midnight. I think that doing yoga daily over spring break helped declutter my mind. I'm also struggling with the pressure of making a decision to stay in my current job or make the leap elsewhere. My contract is supposedly due today, though I doubt anyone will check, and people often still leave after signing contracts. I'd prefer not to do that as I have been honest and upfront thus far in the process, but at the same time, I have no real tangible options at the moment, just a number of vague possibilities. It is scary to walk away from a decent job with lots of freedom, a cheap mortgage, a city in which I have an active social life - to what? I'm also confused by my relationship with the professor. I am attracted to her, there is some physical chemistry, moreover she is intelligent, mature, kind, and emotionally available. Yet, I don't find myself looking forward to spending time with her (I enjoy all the time we do spend together, I'm referring to that state of anticipation which is lacking.) I don't know if that is a fair expectation to put on the R, or if I should simply enjoy the ride.

I am feeling overwhelmed. I realize that this is a just a "backflow" but it feels like a rip-tide when I am caught in the jaws of it. I'll get through it.