[Dawn70]

When my ex husband left me , there was no temperature taking. No trying to sleep with me. No calls to me. He was done. I pursued and that made it worse. But I doubt not pursuing would have helped either.

My XH was the same way. He said he was done and that was it. In our case, though, I did NOT pursue because I'm pretty stubborn and I just thought after all I had done for him if he could so callously drop me, I didn't want to pursue. A few weeks after he'd moved out, he called me for something and more out of habit than anything, as we ended the call, he said "I love you". That got my hackles up in a big way and I just responded with "no you don't" and hung up the phone. I found this site pretty early and saw all of the advice about not begging and pursuing and honestly, those things just never occurred to me. Once he said he was done, I wouldn't have gotten back with him if he'd showed up at my house with 10 million dollars strapped to his body.

I told her my ex husband leaving had to have been different. We were together for over 15 years. Had a kid together. That he was hiding a habit and tons of debt he had in secret that I was asking questions about after seeing our tax statements. But from my ex’s perspective - it wasn’t. He wanted out.

I know with my ex bf I am not gonna regret it in 5 years. Yet I keep wanting my ex to one day regret it. And it makes me feel really rejected and unloveable (that’s a corny word but I can’t think of something better) that my ex left me that way. It makes no logical sense to feel that way. My ex was an a$$hole. All the selfishness. I wasn’t like that at all. But when he left, I felt like it was all me. How could it not me cause people don’t just leave good relationships. Our relationship was really bad. I resented his selfishness which really was extreme - not just little stories that I cherry picked. He wasn’t a partner. Yet I was the one rejected.

So how do people get past the feeling of being rejected? How do you not take it personally when it’s from a spouse (versus dating- which is bound to have rejection) I’m even wondering if I went for someone that I would not have cared so much if he did reject me? So I feel all types of messed up.

It is hard not to take the whole thing personally. My XH and I had been through a lot of crap. Now, granted, mine wasn't an addict who was straight up hiding money, but mine had some serious medical issues and actually almost died about 6 months into our marriage. He was in and out the hospital and had countless surgeries over the years. In our first year of marriage, he spent nearly 6 months of it in the hospital. I was the caretaker, nursemaid, EVERYTHING. I was the cheerleader when he was down. I was the breadwinner. I did everything for him and the girls to the point that I was totally drug down and worn out. But I did it all because I loved him and I loved the girls. So, when he told me he wanted out, my instinct was to shout "how dare you?" He even said to me on more than one occasion what a good woman I was for sticking by him through everything. Then, in the end, he was the one who walked away. I don't think he ever realized (and I STILL don't think he realizes) how taxing it can be to be the constant caregiver for a spouse, particularly when that spouse is super emotional and prone to great mood swings. Granted, I have never stared death in the face like he did, so I would imagine that somehow gives you a different perspective, but I did the best I could through all of that and then he walked away. I kept wondering why ALL I had done wasn't enough.

I think everyone copes with things differently, but for me, counseling was the key to get past all of those feelings of inadequacy and guilt and all that negative baggage. The other thing that helped me was NOT dating. I had to focus on myself in order to get back on track so that I could, some day maybe, focus on someone else again. I don't necessarily lose myself in a relationship, but I do tend to put other's needs before myself, so in not dating for awhile, it allowed me to just solely focus on me. Ultimately, my XH left me because he found someone else and while that didn't come out until after he was gone, it hurt and I took that personally, but again, counseling helped. The other thing that still helps is knowing that now that I'm a few years out from the experience, XH is finding that life with his new partner is not all sunshine and roses like he thought it would be when he walked away from me. Just like ANY relationship, there are ups and downs. I think sometimes the WAS forgets that because they are in that glow of "the grass is greener". Once the glow wears off, they realize that the grass is pretty much the same color everywhere.

You are a strong person, Juju, and I have no doubt you are going to come out on the other side shining as brightly as the sun. I wish I had a magic pill to give you to help you get there, but like I said, everyone copes differently and different strategies work for different people. I'm very stubborn, so that actually worked to my advantage in my case. You just have to find what works for you and roll with it.