Yorkie & FS... my two wonderful friends and inspirations from across the ocean. Thank-you for your encouragement and your support for all these months. I have learned so much from both of you and there were days when I felt so down but would read your comments on my thread and it would help to pick myself up and keep going.
Yorkie - You just keep on your path and sell that house if that is what you want to do. FS is right. Condescending tw@t who wants to keep you sitting there while he plays house with his mistress. Stay strong. One step at a time.
FS. You are an inspiration already and I am flattered that you would see me in that way. Everything you told me would happen, did happen... as soon as I stopped fighting it and looked at it with clear eyes. Thank you for not giving up on me. When/if you decide to stop standing, you won’t need an inspiration. You will rock it all on your own. Guaranteed!
Kate11... Sorry it took me awhile to respond. I didn’t see your post right away because I think you were writing it at the same time as I was writing mine. FS’s way of telling the kids is textbook and the exact right way to do it. My sitch was a little different so it didn’t really happen that way for me. My XH was so absent in the years leading up to this that my kids got used to him not being around so it hasn’t been as abrupt of a change for me or them. We also never told them explicitly in a sit-down that we were getting a divorce - mostly because neither of us said the word for a long time. So it was more of a gradual getting used to the idea kind of thing. Eventually they came out an asked me and I just confirmed it and answered their questions. They were really good about it and have accepted it.
If I could do anything different, I would have tried to keep my emotions more in check at the beginning of this. I’ve discovered that your kids will take their cues from you and will look to you to decide how they feel about things. My XH’s back and forth behaviour made that really difficult for me so they did see me cry a few times. I have not lied to them ever. When they’ve had questions, I’ve answered them as best I could. They know just from observation that this was not my idea. They have witnessed their dad lying to people so they have made their own conclusions about that. When we do talk about it, I reassure them that both of their parents love them and want the best for them. I am pleasant to their dad when I see him and they watch that too. I smile and hug them when they leave and tell them to have fun with dad. I text them or talk to them (they prefer text I think) every night and tell them goodnight and that I love them. They are pretty settled now.
When I read your words, it took me back to the early days. I know EXACTLY how you feel because I felt the same way. I HATED when they were with their dad and his “roommate”... I hated that they were leading a separate life from me and making memories that did not include me. That bothered me for a long time. But guess what... when they are with me, we are making memories that do not include their dad and they have many more of those with me than with him. He has to deal with that too. We just got back from a holiday and had a great time. He was not a part of it.
People on here told me that I would get used to the time apart and would even come to enjoy it one day. I didn’t want to believe them. It wasn’t what I wanted or what I had planned... it was not fair that he could take them away from me for that amount of time when it was him who walked away and chose to break up our family. The thing is, he didn’t break . The relationship I have with my kids is solid and cannot be damaged by time apart. In fact, in a lot of ways, it has made things better. My time on my own recharges me and reminds me that I am a mom but also a person who has needs of her own and that I matter. When they are home, they get a mom with more energy who is more present. They get a mom who is happy. And they also get a dad who is actually trying and is present. They haven’t had that in a long time. I am happy for them... and for him. He was missing out on a lot.
So far the kids are mostly with me because they share a room at his place and they would prefer to be home in their own rooms. Once he moves to his new place, we will follow a 2-3-2 alternating schedule so they don’t have to be apart from either of us for too long. If that proves to be too many switches, we may go to a week on, week off schedule. Also...with him buying a house so close by, I imagine things might change a bit over time according to what the kids want. Regardless, I know that both of us will have lots of time with them.
Bottom line is that your kids will take their cues from you. If you look like you are doing okay, they will internally take that as permission for them to be okay too. You don’t necessarily have to tell them that but you do have to show them because that is what they will believe. If you tell them everything is going to be fine and you don’t look like you believe it, they won’t believe you either. So be strong Kate. You’ve got this. Believe me when I tell you... it WILL get better. Read my thread... I was a mess. I got dragged through this process kicking and screaming. I didn’t want it. It wasn’t fair. I was so sad and scared. I don’t have those thoughts anymore. I am happy and I am strong. You will get there too. Promise. (((HUGS))) to you all!!!
