She is a very difficult woman, and we have some stuff she's done in the past to me which I resent her for a lot (though dh defended me at the time he took on the criticisms she had of me and this is what hurts much more). This all came back to me with a huge bang yesterday. I had a difficult session with my IC, very difficult. I know I told him to challenge me, but I think he was doing it to an unreasonable extent when I was feeling vulnerable about retelling the dream I had.
Anyway, I was driving and I got this stuff about MIL into my head and how much I hate her for damaging dh and for damaging my children in turn and how much I hate dh for behaving like her and abandoning us, and I got myself into a right fury. Luckily I was driving so I couldn't contact dh, because he had done nothing to provoke all this reaction, it was in me. And I knew that but I was still so angry. If forgiveness is a cyclical process then I was straight back into all the resentments I've had at dh about leaving me essentially a single mum, not being there for me over the years, etc. So I cried a little bit and thought a lot and eventually I decided that all this was just not helpful. You can't change the past, just learn from it and try to be a better person. So I let it go, turned the radio up, sang along and by the time I got to my destination I was balanced again. It was interesting. Difficult, but interesting.
Dh's last big day at work today, I wished him luck and I hope he's not too exhausted tomorrow. I wish he was able to take a couple of days off work but I'm pretty sure he can't or won't. At least he gets away when he comes to see us in April. I was going to ring him and say 'your mother, you sort out the kids seeing her' but he has enough on his plate right now without having to deal with that, and he has to endure her for lunch. I will just arrange for her to come and see the kids and make very sure I am not there.
