Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Journaling,

Not a whole lot has happened over the last week or so. At some point when I was getting the apartment I was telling myself this is as real as it gets. Wednesday, yesterday we signed over the house and the money is in the bank. Leasing the house until mid April.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, W asked if we could talk. And I said sure, what's up. She said she wanted to talk about us, and I paused. She said something about she was thinking about going forward and the next plans. I asked so does this mean you want to draw a separation agreement or talk about divorce? She said no, she didn't see that but liked how I had been over the last few weeks and can see herself with me, BUT she felt like the physical separation would be good for us. For her to see how she felt. She said something about moving on.

When my W said she needed this time to see where we were at, I let her know I was not waiting around. The conversation didn't last long and I remembered to keep my responses short but I cant remember it word for word. I said something like everything from the last 7 months made things way more complicated, its not that simple any more. A lot has happened and its a lot to process. I told her I agreed with her that we should move on.

I still cant sleep well at nights, bed feels hard to sleep on. Just thinking about the day to day stuff. I think about my kids a lot.

And yesterday I told my W that S6 doesn't know. She said she understood and I asked her to at least think about what she will tell him when we do separate. She said she will.

This morning we had a small talk. It was about last night/yesterday. She said she got it that I was being nice because I had moved on. For the last few weeks I was being care free with the kids and around her. She said she could see her working it out with this version of me and not the one who always accused her of doing something.

I said in 7 months I'm sure you still have the find my phone off "out of principle." In the last year, she's woken up in the mornings 3am due to work or something else, but when it came to the divorce, she can fall sound asleep. She said she wasn't going to defend her sleep habits and how do I know she was not "bothered" by what was happening between us. I almost lost it when she said bothered as if the D was only some small irritation or trouble to her. I told her I was disgusted with the way this all happened and if she wanted out she could have taken a different approach.

I don't like the extra conversation I had with her this morning.

I thought this might happen but didn't know how it would go down. One of the last things Sandi mentioned to me months ago was that when we separate I'd need to convey to W that this separation wasn't just due to circumstance. I think some of what led to my convo with W was driven by that. I didn't know how to navigate around putting blame on W. I didn't see any way around it at the time except to not have the convo with her at all.


Have a busy month. A lot of overtime on the weekends, and the move... I did take a couple of female friends out to try a Brazilian café last Saturday. Both good friends and loved it. One will take her husband out to try it. The other friend from work I don't talk to as much or often. We talk about Game of Thrones though and share some other interests.

Send me the 2x4s, that talk this morning went left and was not needed. The one yesterday however felt like it was needed. I don't plan to have more of them. I'm ready for the move and to get settled into this new life.