Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[P_Jam]

Ok I"m back for some more journaling (and probably some debate).

I finished 3 of 6 of Sandi's WW threads - there is some real DB/WW gold in there but one from Zues126 that caught me just right tonight:

"Watching an emotionally empty woman that was in a lot of pain give herself physically to other men to feel important and attractive, well I just feel bad for her."

This hit me because it felt like true detachment (at least in regards to the A). It felt inspirational. But I also recognized the difference in emotion. It was sympathetic and not empathetic. It felt confident. It is not the overwhelming feeling I have but I feel a bit of this and wish I had more of it. It also allowed me to reflect on how each different emotion has a unique spin on the entire sitch. So then I recognized the anger emotion and when not used too strongly, also has some very inspirational characters for the WW sitch. However, it seems that the vets and the board really do not use/play on this emotion at all (except in the beginning where most people cant actually use it). Let me explain: If a person was educated on DB before BD - the best PA-BD scenario wold be one of confidence (I know some will argue against it) but also anger. The steps would be to move the WW belongings out of the MB, tell them it is over and to plan quickly for their exit - Period. Now, I know some will say this is just self respect and confidence but BS if we aren't also implying that anger is a very strong emotion in this scenario. But after the BD event it's all about being 'happy' but not pursuing. Yes there is some tough love talk but just like in my situation i'm expected to have a facade that doesn't really include anger. Obviously I recognized and spoke of the opposite above (detaching with love) - but love and anger are not mutually exclusive in situations like this. I also recognize that the speech I previously wanted to give had some anger in it - and all suggested against it (and probably rightfully so) but I'm finding my anger to be a great motivator for me to actually detach and move on. Especially considering you all keep reminding me how much time this will take (some other DB gold from Sandi on the time subject in her threads but I'll save that for another post).

Now here is the point and why it affected me tonight. After my great day with the W having friendly conversation that had nothing to do with pursuing... I came home and she was going to the apartment to put together more furniture. No big deal, actually helped her load heavy boxes in her car and made some more jokes. Then she asked for another piece of furniture to have from the house. A relatively small/cheap piece. In hindsight I know I should have just said yeah - sure, take it. But I didn't. I pushed back a little. Not a lot, but between the two of us it became a little issue that sprouted other points of contention. (that fact that she is packing all things while I"m not around and taking them to her apartment). Which I kind of knew would be the case to begin with (i'm getting the house and 95% of everything in it - so yes she can basically take what she wants. But it is uncomfortable not really know what she is taking that I don't see or recognize. So I made a small point about this. In short it was a small spat and I backed right away from it and basically apologized and said yes please take it! Then she left and I felt bad/guilty because I knew the conversation should have never went there. I wanted to text and apologize again after she left - then it hit me. No F-her. I shouldn't have made it a big deal, but who the F cares. Is this little spat really going to make a big different 6-12 months down the road? NO. I'm mad, I'm betrayed, she is Wayward and GGW. I don't give a Shut that she is a little pissed off. And why should I? I have plenty of time to be detached and not angry in the next year(s) - right? I get the fact that begging/pursuing can make the long-term situation worse. But what self respecting man wouldn't be angry in this scenario? Why cant I be Pi$$ed? and show some of it?

If you cant tell my point is: if we are to detach, anger is a great motivator and me attaching to the idea that I've been betrayed and I am angry and I don't care to make every little aspect easy for her. I'm pi$$ed so what. As long as I'm not pursuing - what do I care what she thinks right now. It's already going to get worse before it gets better. Why do i have to be so "careful" all the time?

I'm having a hard time understanding detachment that coincides with waiting for her. I guess I'm just more black/white. Either in or out.

After reading Sandi's post about the process and time for the U-turn, tonight I'm leaning towards just being done! and that feels like detachment! Of course this might change tomorrow but it doesn't mean it's not real or relevant as a factor.