Ovr, buddy, I think you are ready to face the challenge. I think you should go back and read your threads from day one. If anything, it will remind you how far you've come in this process.
kate, I saw your post yesterday and have been thinking about how to reply. I like what Maika wrote a lot. He is a DB champ and also a loyal dad. And I agree with TBSaka -- we should never bad mouth the other parent. Our kids have a right to love their other parent and develop their own relationships with them, no matter how many mistakes they may have made. Kids want to love and identify with both parents. They don't want to ever have to take sides and they shouldn't have to.
This topic is hard for me and one I have not addressed much on this site. I don't even know how to sum it up in one post, or even one thread. I have 3 Ds and they are my everything. That was a very hard time. I feel as if I could have done a better job protecting them during my separation. I also don't have too many regrets because instead of trying to shield my kids from adversity, I would rather give them tools to work through things. In several ways I did do that. They knew they could talk to me about anything and cry or even be angry. I give my kids that freedom.
My kids did had several struggles at that time, some were related to our sitch and some not. My oldest D was in HS and we had to send her to wilderness and then a therapeutic boarding school. It was devastating. However, she is now a young adult and doing quite well. We were just talking about this today and I am continually impressed by her strength and resilience. She was old enough to know what was going on at the time and I wasn't about to lie to her. I did have to remind her that none of it was her fault and that he still loved her and would be there for her. This was hard for her because her own bio dad had already abandoned her years before.
My middle girl, who is now in HS, seemed to handle things okay. She is also a quiet easy going kid, and doesn't make waves. It was hard to tell how she was processing it all. I do believe that what happened has caused her additional anxiety and depression in general, as did losing her big sister at that time. She had lost her grandpa (who had died months before BD), her stable family unit, and then her big sister was sent away. It was really rough on her.
The little D doesn't have a lot of memories of that time. She is also a very happy and adaptable kid in general. She just turned 9 last week. When we argue now and she hears anything, she gets upset, cries and then asks if we are getting divorced. That hurts a lot. My kids all want our family together. They seem more stable and secure when we are.
Some say that "you can't stay together just for the kids," while others say, "there is no better reason to stay together than for the kids." I actually agree with the latter. I made a commitment to my kids to have a family. I also see how much better off they are with our family intact, even if our M is not great. My H is a good guy and has done the work, so I feel like I owe it to my kids to make this work.
You asked what helped at the time. I think the best thing I did was protecting them emotionally. We didn't talk about heavy things around them and we remained civil, and even cordial, in front of them. We created a consistent schedule that we stuck to, so we both saw them every day or every other day. We told them how much we loved them and that our separation had nothing to do with them. We kept them in the family home and I would leave several evenings a week so he could be with them here. He only took them with him every other weekend. I made a strong point to be more present and engaging with them when I was with them. I also was honest with them and didn't lie: if they saw me cry and asked why I would tell them the truth. I would tell them that I was very sad and that I missed our family being together. I told them it was okay for them to cry and feel sad too. I think as hard as it was, they knew that we both would love them and support them, even if we were not together. I honestly think that while getting D is not ideal for kids, them knowing that is absolutely enough.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
