I can usually get a pretty good feel early on how things will play out for a poster early on. Some have their b@lls so far down their Ws purse that I know their chances are slim and they don't want to do the work so they will continue to struggle in life. Some jump right into another relationship and most likely will be back here in 5 years. You I believe will be fine once you get her out of the house and you are able to stabilize the feelings you are having right now.
I was happy to see your follow up post to TBS acknowledging that your are BSing yourself that your sitch is different. It is NOT. In fact has a lot of similarities to mine.
I mentioned Accuray to you and the following is a post from him that IMO every LBS just follow immediately:
Your wife believes you are the reason she is unhappy. As you probably know, the only way she's going to overcome that deeply held belief is for you to open the cage door and completely cut her free. If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value 2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone 3) She's willing to work to win you
Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to co-mingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.
That way she can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that it’s what she wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.
My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to separate, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.
This is all key LH19, and you are right, we actually have to do the work on ourselves because at this phase, (What we all know already, but failed to implement because our emotions are involved are continually fluctuating due to anger, fear, guilt, attachment. ) Especially with past memories, sentiments, items of significance, etc.)
The WAW is done with the relationship and the marriage. It is solely about attraction at this point. and not romantical love anymore. Hence the "I love you as a brother, ILYBIMILWUA"
Remember that women look at love very differently than from a man's perspective. They want the whole package, respect given to them, and of yourself, attraction, compatibility, security physically and financially, sexually fulfilling, intimately and emotionally fulfilling and supportive, independent, personal growth, help, strength, etc. Look up Tony Robbins 7 basic human needs on YouTube on relationships. I'm sure you will gain a ton of insight from watching these videos. If you aren't meeting the 4 out of the seven needs, your relationship is going in the dumper. Women are complex. Men? Give them a little affection, a hot meal, some commonality, laughter, and hot sex frequently, and they will love you for life... Lol..
I was looking at a woman's dating profile the other day and this person's words struck me. Love (at least romantical)is having someone return what your wants are, your needs are, and what you yourself have to offer. (Meaning personality and attractiveness, unless they are a gold digger.) This is exactly why you have to GAL, focus on you, let the W go, and detach. Write down everything the W has said that you need to change and work on it for you and you only. Because it is currently "too little too late"
Even though WAW's do rewrite marital history, and sometimes fail to see their own shortcomings sometimes, or it may take longer for them to realize it's after you're gone that you weren't entirely the problem. Make that list and improve on those things and make them your personal goals for you and only you.
Because most WAW are looking to reinvent themselves, try new things, change lifestyles, living places, exercise routines, etc, empower themselves once they hit this phase. I'm thinking it's probably because they felt like they gave so much of their self away to a marriage that they feel like they're a former shell of themselves. I've heard that from my W as well as other women blogging. So m.en, make yourself more attractive, and improve yourself in every area of your life that you can.
Gone and done is the WAW. She unconditionally loves your children, her family, and possibly a few friends . That is it. It is about attraction the same way you attracted her to you when you first met. You are no longer attractive in her eyes anymore and do not provide value as a man. It's taken me six months to realize this and going back and forth daily between having so many problems in my life (broken car, massive amount of debt, overdue bills and credits, working 15 hour days , incomplete projects around the house for 7 years, financially dependent, co dependancy, between my emotions and actually attempting to get my own life together. Not having enough time or money to even GAL, therapy, undefined goals. Being constantly emotionally frustrated because of all the external circumstances. Undefined goals. All these things are unattractive and problematic to the WAW. This is not what an alpha male looks like. This is not what is considered attractive. I could dress up every night and go out and smell like roses, go out and have fun, and even go on a few dates if I wanted to. It's not going to attract the WAW back, but it will help. I can do everything right and bend over backwards for her get all the projects done, make her coffee every day, and other niceties. Most of the guys on here including myself keep making the mistake of troubleshooting the relationship over and over and over. Take the list of improvements and make them your goals with or without her.
LH19 is right. You can't nice them back, you can't mean them back, you can't beg them back, you can't guilt them back, you can't convince them back, and you can't trick them back. You are dealing with a creature that makes emotional decisions, along with intuition, that they (follow their heart if it feels right.) You can't manipulate, with fake it till you make it trickery, but in theory, you possibly can change their feelings. That's what feelings do. They change. all of you know this as fact because you're experiencing emotional rollercoaster going through this. something else I realized to is adaptability try to be more adaptable and less rigid in your thinking and your actions. for some it may take a while to get this I know it's been a struggle of most of my life. Some W will blame the demise of the M on chemistry or compatibility, some will blame it on a lack of what you couldn't anticipate what their needs were, etc, some cheat to get even, in some she just for the hell of it so they want to see if the grass is greener. I know I'm making a generalization hear about women, but I noticed that most of them have a tendency to ruminate on percieved hurts and disappointments, like they keep a tally on it.
