Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[P_Jam]

IHCLACS,

All very fair and probably true. I will always wonder if I would be in the same spot if I did not admit to my infidelity at the time that I did. Sandi is right, I was trying to be empathetic (as a strategy). That being said; I really did carry a lot of guilt and remorse for my actions for a very long time. Debated numerous times if/when to come clean. I had resided the fact that is my burden to carry and not to put it on her, but NEVER do it again. Strategy or not, I thought my wife would be remorseful and want to reconcile (dumb) so I also believed I was going to relieve some of her guilt and we were going to rebuild this relationship. I had no idea about the complete mindset change of the WW at the time.

I also think that some of my resistance to this DB strategy (just some details) is related to the fact that I felt relatively confident in myself. I had/have a life. I definitely neglected my wife for a couple of years, etc. And not to defend my actions of neglect - but I can look back at MANY times I really tried to get my wife involved more in my life (socially) without the kids. She always had a reason not too. So maybe the WW goes back farther than I think. I know last year was tough because of a work/job issue I dealt with for 8 months (and didn't deal very well) - but aside from that as it relates to me and her.. I was aware that we were growing apart, I missed her, I tried to get her back (not hard enough) but I tried. I know I'm a catch, and I am the prize. But I also know because of what I learned about myself and my infidelity it was not about her. It was about me, and my inability to be upfront and forward about my needs. It was also me making very poor decisions that I cannot blame ANYONE else for. This is one reason why my sitch has the title that it does. Somewhere in here I still believe I"m dealing with a bit of MLC. My W never wanted anything except to be a mother. That turned out to be more work and less fulfilling then she expected. I really don't think she really knows what she wants out of LIFE in general. Could be wrong, maybe I"m still justifying her WW actions. But I do believe it's mixed in there somewhere. Furthermore, because of my actions in the past and what I learned, I'm also very much able to believe that my W too is still a catch and a prize. I have the unique ability to have walked in her shoes. So I know I can/could get over this as long as she really wanted to fully understand the need for extreme transparency for a while. Having this experience/knowledge is a blessing and a curse as I can clearly see and picture the future even with infidelity. I know that people and situations can change once you understand and deal with the root cause (which is more individual than it is relationship based).

But I do get it! Side note: I needed my W help today to be shuddled around while my car is in the shop. I/we were able to spend this time together (for the first time in a long time) without any weird animosity by me (which is usually me trying to be distant masked as DB). So I was able to feel the 'friendly' way to interact without pursuing. It gave me a chance to use my humor be funny, be me, without thinking about a 'strategy'. So all of these conversations today DO HELP. Even the smallest things I notice. I'm making progress. It helped me see that even when she moves out and I go NC - this must be done gently (or with love). It can't be 'running away'. It's about being present, being personable, being attractive without pursuing. Something I haven't really been able to feel or do until about 30 minutes ago. So although I have made some good/positive steps as it relates to the overall goal. I need to detach but detach with love. Which also means I need to stop trying to hurt her, by throwing her actions back in her face. I do keep trying to remind myself that she too is scared and worried and hopefully with the right amount of space/time - she will figure it all out.

I also believe that all of this gets a little easier in 2 weeks. Once she is out of the house I will be more forced to focus on me - not her. I will have to deal with other issues (loneliness, making sure I don't jump into another physical relationship for revenge, etc). but a lot of this strategy talk will minimize as the opportunity to act on any of it will be much more sparce. So I just need to keep my emotions under control for 2 more weeks. Then deal with the new life I have.