Not Sure Where This Is Going

[SteveLW]

I understand the premise that, as a LBS, you have to make yourself stronger and more self-reliant, and that doing that might draw WS back to you or it may not, but it's important for you to do regardless. Getting to a point that you don't care if your wife has a gangbang with 100 seems like a really unhealthy place to be in a marriage. You just said you wouldn't able to stand your wife hooking up with even one other woman, so it really shows how different detachment and DB is from how people would feel in a healthier marriage. It's like she can't check back in until I've just about checked out myself.

Yes, being detached is difficult, no one here would deny that. Notice, I said that finding this out would have no effect on you emotionally. It doesn't mean you don't care. This is why getting a good understanding of detachment is so important.

Let's play a game. Let's put the hypothetical into better perspective:

S85's WW: "Can we talk, I have something I need to tell you?"
S85: "OK."
S85's WW: "Last night I went to a hotel and had a gangbang with 100 other people."
S85: "I see."
S85'2 WW: "I just thought you should know."
S85: "Thank you for your honesty. Obviously this is not something I can tolerate. I will expect you to be moved out of the MBR by time I am ready to go to bed tonight."
S85's WW: "So you are done with me?"
S85: "I am not ready to answer that right now. This is a lot to process and I need some time to sort out how I feel about this. However, I cannot share my bed with you because you have violated the marriage."
S85's WW: "But I don't want to move out of the MBR, can't we discuss this further."
S85: "I understand how this is upsetting, but this is a necessary step until we can decide how to proceed."
S85's WW: "I KNEW YOU'D OVER REACT TO THIS! IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT ANYWAY! I HATE YOU!"
S85: "I can understand how this could make you feel that way."
S85's WW: "BLANK YOU! I AM SO DONE WITH THIS MARRIAGE! I WANT A DIVORCE!"
S85: "So I am hearing that you feel that this is not salvageable. I can understand that. I am not sure how I feel about it though and need more time to process everything."
S85's WW: "BLANK YOU!" And storms off......

Notice, I didn't "not care", but I also didn't flip out, fly off the handle, yell, scream, cry, beg. I was emotionally cool as a cucumber. I listend and validated. I did not sway from my insistence that she move out of the MBR, and I did not condemn nor excuse her behavior. I didn't agree nor disagree with her. I was emotionally level. That is detachment.

AGAIN, FOR CLARITY, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL DISCUSSION TO SHOW Nial WHAT IT MEANS TO BE DETACHED! THIS DID NOT ACTUALLY OCCUR!