Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[sandi2]

As we get closer to her moving out and finalizing all documents I'm 98% sure she is going to start a conversation that revolves around this subject: "Are we still working on this relationship or not?" Because the separation has always been about time/space to get over the 'bugging" and to figure out if we can/should work on this with all the infidelity or not. Although I know now she really has some stuff to work through personally before anything can happen together - but for the sake of the kids and the basic facade that this relationship has a chance.. I believe this conversation will happen and relatively soon. I've asked a version of this question before and took the advice of the board. However, I believe the situation will be slightly different this time (maybe you well see it as nuanced, IDK) but...

Speaking of versions, you and your W certainly have two separate views of who initiated the separation and the reason for the separation. She was already looking for another place to stay when you told her that you agreed to a separation. But that's not as important as the other issue. She believes she's leaving you b/c you were bugging her conversations. In the quote above you say this has always been about having time/space to get over the bugging issue.

True to WW form, she flipped the spot light off her and on to you. Instead of this separation being about her affairs, it's b/c of you "bugging" her conversations.

Here is what feels right - right now:

W: Are we still working on this relationship or not?

Me: I will not be in an open marriage/relationship with you. Nor will I 'wait' around and try to compete with:
James -EA
Parker EA/PA
Or random guys that you want to sc&ew in your car.

(names have been changed to protect the guilty)

I have issues that I need to work on that did affect how we got to this point, but these affairs are your choice and your issue to resolve. The rush is like a drug addiction (whether you recognize it or not). If you think you can find happiness with one or all of them - then I want you to be with them. I've been here for 16yrs through thick and thin (but still not to discount what I still have to work on). You know who I am. If you don't want to be with me, I don't want to be with you. I am not a relationship option as long as these guys are still in the picture. Therefore, our ability to 'work on this relationship' is completely up to you - same as I've always said. I know these guys are still in the picture therefore I am not! I am moving on (with hope you will comeback someday) - but I cannot promise I will still be available for you then.

My focus in myself and the kids. Not you anymore. I don't care who/what you do and am glad that I don't have to have you around to lie to me on a daily basis. I'm done - until you are done with this lifestyle - period. I love you, I love our history and I believe we could get through this -but only after you have addressed you and your choices.

You are dreaming!

But if/when she addresses our relationship I like this response. It does 2 things. Allows me to address my knowledge of girls gone wild. Which I believe to be important to her recognizing her situation is getting worse not better.

First of all, you are busting a gut to reveal how much you know. And secondly, don't believe your own b.s.

I provides a full insight as to why I went from begging to detachment and moving on. It also sets the stage clearly for any future conversation about our relationship. She can no longer 'act' like she had one small indiscretion (similar to me). She is no longer able to have the 'high ground' when she compares our mutual mistakes.

And you think your little speech is going to do all of that? No, it won't. and that's why we say no relationship talk.

Look, you don't seem to realize that she could pull the same thing on you. You told her you had had multiple sexual encounters, so in her mind......you are just as guilty as she. You kept that dirty little secret from her, until you found yourself on the other end and you didn't like it. Your "confession" was not impressive, b/c you were grasping at whatever you could find to keep her from leaving. So, you thought empathizing would do the trick, and you just threw in the little fact that you have had several affairs of your own.