The last time was the day before he moved out. He was drunk and said some mean and terrible things. I left the house with the children and stayed with a friend for two days. When I came back he was gone, and I immediately changed the locks. That was about three months ago. When he's been in the house with the kids I've asked him not to drink alcohol (he isn't an alcoholic, but he is a mean drunk) and he never has.
In the first couple of weeks after he moved out when I was contacting him a lot - he was hard and harsh and sarcastic and belittling towards me and often very cruel, but he hasn't been like that since then. And I suppose I was provoking him - phoning him often late at night, crying a lot, blaming him, etc etc. I don't do that at all any more.
We have had cross words since then - most recently a couple of weeks ago when I booked the week away - but I wouldn't say that was him being abusive, just that he was angry and assuming a lot about my motivations and I didn't like it and found it very difficult to deal with and became very upset afterwards.
I am not 100% certain he has ended his verbal abuse because he knows it is unacceptable, or because I've just stopped contacting him or raising subjects that bother him. When we had the family therapy session last week (on my last thread) I didn't like how he was communicating, but at the same time he wasn't mean or abusive and I do think he was doing his best. And he did come back afterwards and was much more constructive.
What I am afraid of is that he can't cope with the normal stresses of married life, including disagreements and stresses and normal tired moods and misunderstandings, without resorting to behaviour that is now totally unacceptable to me. I don't want to 'test' him - and I can see that he is being warmer with me, and more conciliatory, and there are small changes being made. But I am terrified of getting closer, letting him back home, then the first time we have a bad day being subject to that type of behaviour again and not knowing how to get out of it. I was so so so miserable and I felt so trapped and part of my lack of trust is, I think, very reasonable - he needs to take responsibility for that behaviour and work on his own changes, not rely on me or the children not provoking him.
