I tried to look for your thread as was going to post there, but couldn't find one so posting here. DV - apologies for hijacking .
Firstly, I have two children (D9 and D12). My H moved out at end March of last year. We had been discussing him moving out for about three months before, and he had the keys to the flat for a month before he moved out. I had a few conditions (strange thinking I was able to make conditions about him MO):
1. We told the kids together at least two weeks before he left. I wanted them to know that, at least when it came to them, we were still a team and I did not want them to feel abandoned (i.e. telling them one night and then moving out the next day) 2. He got a place with a second bedroom so that they felt that he was making room for them (again, didn't want them to feel abandoned) 3. Once the had the place, he would bring the children and they could help decorate their bedroom (before he MO). 4. When we told them we did not use it as a forum to blame one another. Our stance was "Mummy and Daddy are not getting on and we need time apart because we are always fighting and it is not good for the two of you. This is not because of anything either of you did. We love you both very much. We still love one another. We need to learn how to get on again."
He agreed to all of the conditions. Mainly, I think, because we both adore our children and wanted this to impact them as little as possible.
The both cried (we all cried tbh) and both of their responses were 'how long'. It was not a question either of us could answer, so we both truthfully said "we don't know".
The children have got on as well as expected. They are mostly happy - sometimes because they are genuinely happy and sometimes because they do not want to 'make things worse' by being upset. I look for patterns though. They have been absent from school a lot more (on average 2 days pre MO per annum and now average 4 days per term, particularly D12). They both have reoccurring tummy pain and get angry or quite more quickly. It is never about us being separated. It is just tummy pain or just being quick to anger/cry. We try to get them through this. Distraction, days out, more hugs and an open invite to talk. We constantly remind them how loved they are and we both try not to be negative about the other in front of them. This is not always easy for him because he is naturally critical/angry, but he tries.
At first, I felt like a big part of me was missing whenever they were with him. The thought of them doing 'family' things without me stung and I would always make plans when they were away. But I always made (and make) a big deal about their time with him. I want them to be excited (even when it hurts like a MF) because if they know I am hurting, then they will hurt too. (I hope) he does the same.
D12 has suffered more than D9. She is at an awkward age where everything is changing, not just her family, and it is terribly confusing for her. I try and give her space when she needs it whilst letting her know we are there for her. Sometimes I also have to tell her to stop being a little madam.
Now, I enjoy my time without them. I no longer have to fill the space with distractions because the space is already filled. I know my children are having a good time with their dad and no longer have to pretend I am OK with it. I was also being honest when I said I appreciate the time with them more now. We do things instead of just being together. The girls and I watch movies at home together, we all (my H and I) go to football matches and netball matches together and cheer the children on. I appreciate my time alone, my time with the girls, and my time as a family (when we are all together).
It will get easier Kate. I promise. You have to stop thinking of it as 'missing out'. You will be more present when you have them because you have the time to recharge when you are without them. You will be a fuller person because you will have time for you.
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