Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[P_Jam]

You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.

Listen to LH—he is a huge help towards me, and is not afraid to beat people with the reality stick when they truly need it (and I’ve needed it time to time).

I want to focus on this last point, because this is where I’ve been the last few months, and it’s made my W absolutely nuts. She wants to know what I’m thinking / how I’m feeling about things—and I’ve told her very little, if anything for the last few months, and she can’t stand it.

Bo562,

This is a great lead in to my questions. As we get closer to her moving out and finalizing all documents I'm 98% sure she is going to start a conversation that revolves around this subject: "Are we still working on this relationship or not?" Because the separation has always been about time/space to get over the 'bugging" and to figure out if we can/should work on this with all the infidelity or not. Although I know now she really has some stuff to work through personally before anything can happen together - but for the sake of the kids and the basic facade that this relationship has a chance.. I believe this conversation will happen and relatively soon. I've asked a version of this question before and took the advice of the board. However, I believe the situation will be slightly different this time (maybe you well see it as nuanced, IDK) but...

I have not specifically addressed her last PA which was a one night stand "girls gone wild". <-- I know A LOT of detail about this event (too much). I also have played 'dumb' to the fact that she is still chatting with original PA that I caught. They have not seen each other again but they are chatting. <-- probably doesn't matter either way. But as I picture and prepare for the future conversation there is 2 specific ways I could go - Maybe 2.5.

1. Stick to the most basic script as I have already have - which focuses much less on talk and actions only.
2. Essentially, make it clear in words as well as actions how much I know. <-- This feels right for a couple of reasons and I'll elaborate below - most importantly she is still playing the "I was pushed to this affair by you" card and furthermore has yet to acknowledge the depth of 'girls gone wile' - which to me is big. She tries to play that the one PA (which I was willing to forgive) is the only real issue and the rest is about my snooping/bugging and previous infidelity.
2.5. Somewhere in between

Here is what feels right - right now:

W: Are we still working on this relationship or not?

Me: I will not be in an open marriage/relationship with you. Nor will I 'wait' around and try to compete with:
James -EA
Parker EA/PA
Or random guys that you want to sc&ew in your car.

(names have been changed to protect the guilty)

I have issues that I need to work on that did affect how we got to this point, but these affairs are your choice and your issue to resolve. The rush is like a drug addiction (whether you recognize it or not). If you think you can find happiness with one or all of them - then I want you to be with them. I've been here for 16yrs through thick and thin (but still not to discount what I still have to work on). You know who I am. If you don't want to be with me, I don't want to be with you. I am not a relationship option as long as these guys are still in the picture. Therefore, our ability to 'work on this relationship' is completely up to you - same as I've always said. I know these guys are still in the picture therefore I am not! I am moving on (with hope you will comeback someday) - but I cannot promise I will still be available for you then.

My focus in myself and the kids. Not you anymore. I don't care who/what you do and am glad that I don't have to have you around to lie to me on a daily basis. I'm done - until you are done with this lifestyle - period. I love you, I love our history and I believe we could get through this -but only after you have addressed you and your choices.



I have brought this up to the board before and agreed that I don't need to have this conversation un-provoked. But if/when she addresses our relationship I like this response. It does 2 things. Allows me to address my knowledge of girls gone wild. Which I believe to be important to her recognizing her situation is getting worse not better. I provides a full insight as to why I went from begging to detachment and moving on. It also sets the stage clearly for any future conversation about our relationship. She can no longer 'act' like she had one small indiscretion (similar to me). She is no longer able to have the 'high ground' when she compares our mutual mistakes.


Thoughts?