Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

I asked what it meant for us and she said she didn't know. I asked if she had feelings for anyone else and she said absolutely not, and that if we broke up in the end she wouldn't want a new relationship for a long time. Those statements were...not true.

This is never true. This is a way of letting the LBS down easy. My WW did said the same thing. Even though she had been in an EA for weeks where she specifically had discussed "relationship" with the OM. "Oh but I never want to get married again." Believe NOTHING THEY SAY. NOTHING.

Thanks Steve. Lesson learned the hard way.

Not going to lie, this is a tough one. Nial, it isn't like you have to compete with an OM. That is actually easier to do. But you can't compete with an OW. You just don't have the right anatomy for that. This is a journey that your W has to
complete on her own. I won't get into morality since not everyone agrees on that, but if she decides that this is her path (lesbianism) then you have to make a decision for yourself. Personally I could not live in the situation you mentioned of the guy that allows his W to sleep with other women. Everyone is different, but that would not be something I could tolerate. "Forsaking all others" to me means men, women, and everything in between.

Nial I see a lot of focus on her. And it also doesn't appear to be working for you. You said GAL and detachment is not something that comes naturally to you. Guess what, it doesn't come naturally to ANYONE. Oh sure, if you weren't sure you wanted to be married anymore, and were questioning your own sexuality, then maybe it would....like it is for her. But you aren't going through what she is. For most of us GAL and detachment is HARD. And it is impossible, or darned near, when you are so focused on her.

ANd you keep mentioning lack of sex and high libido. Duh, you are a guy. We all have high libidos. And we all had to go sexless through our sitches. It will not kill you. So focus on what you can control. YOU. GO GAL. Like a madman. WOrk on detaching. (By the way, she isn't detaching...she is checking out of the marriage. Not the same thing at all.)

Hope for the best...but prepare for the worst Nial. We are here for you no matter how this turns out.

Agree it's tougher to compete with OW. W has been declaring independence in a pretty hostile way and, to her, having the freedom to explore this is part of that. We have gay friends and even relatives. I have no problem with someone being LGBT. It is difficult when your wife, after 10 years together, has a sudden revelation once we have a child.

My friend for several years took your position. She said it didn't matter what she was attracted to because she made a vow to her H. She liked her men a little more muscular than he is, but it wouldn't be right to sleep around for that. And being attracted to women as well was no different. At some point they had a discussion and their little arrangement came out of it. I don't judge it but I don't think, emotionally, I could do it.

My frustration over lack of sex actually has gotten much worse since this started. Since D was born our sex life hadn't been what it was, but that's pretty normal. I wasn't thrilled but wasn't super-upset either. When we were discussing in the fall what wasn't working, this was one of the things on my mind. Since then my frustration level is through the roof and all of our biggest recent conflicts have come out of that.

GAL, in some ways, really appeals. A chance for reconnecting with old hobbies and friends, discovering new ones. But I've struggled to clear my head of all my worries, which is why I need to do GAL in the first place. Trying not to spend $, but the weather is improving here and I'm looking forward to outdoor activities.

You are right that there's too much focus on her and that it's not working for me. I've thought that it would be easier if I didn't have to see her every day and share a bed (my best week was when she was gone), but I've decided I'm not leaving my D until I have to. Suffering through this and trying to make it better for me short of leaving.

Can you explain a bit more the difference between detaching and checking out of the marriage?