Not Sure Where This Is Going

[SteveLW]

I asked what it meant for us and she said she didn't know. I asked if she had feelings for anyone else and she said absolutely not, and that if we broke up in the end she wouldn't want a new relationship for a long time. Those statements were...not true.

This is never true. This is a way of letting the LBS down easy. My WW did said the same thing. Even though she had been in an EA for weeks where she specifically had discussed "relationship" with the OM. "Oh but I never want to get married again." Believe NOTHING THEY SAY. NOTHING.

This already has gone way beyond OW1. OW1 was 45, recently divorced from a guy, had two kids who attend the school where they teach, had a relationship going, and never had any interest in my W. This possible OW2 is my wife's age, texts W nonstop, and they go out 2-3x a week. W stays longer at work now, I guess to hang with possible OW2. The same-sex aspect makes it tricky. It's possible they're just good new friends but there's every reason to believe it's at least an EA, if not a full PA.

So here we stand. Neither of us have brought up this woman's existence but I'm lonely, sexless, suspicious, and just plain tired of this. Never been in a situation like this before and in the past would have broken up long ago. But I married her, I love her very much, and I don't want to be apart from my child. This whole time she has never mentioned divorce or anyone moving out, except when I have been upset and forced a discussion. Which I don't do anymore. She seemingly has been doing a much better job of GAL and detaching. It doesn't come naturally to me at all.

Not going to lie, this is a tough one. Nial, it isn't like you have to compete with an OM. That is actually easier to do. But you can't compete with an OW. You just don't have the right anatomy for that. This is a journey that your W has to
complete on her own. I won't get into morality since not everyone agrees on that, but if she decides that this is her path (lesbianism) then you have to make a decision for yourself. Personally I could not live in the situation you mentioned of the guy that allows his W to sleep with other women. Everyone is different, but that would not be something I could tolerate. "Forsaking all others" to me means men, women, and everything in between.

Nial I see a lot of focus on her. And it also doesn't appear to be working for you. You said GAL and detachment is not something that comes naturally to you. Guess what, it doesn't come naturally to ANYONE. Oh sure, if you weren't sure you wanted to be married anymore, and were questioning your own sexuality, then maybe it would....like it is for her. But you aren't going through what she is. For most of us GAL and detachment is HARD. And it is impossible, or darned near, when you are so focused on her.

ANd you keep mentioning lack of sex and high libido. Duh, you are a guy. We all have high libidos. And we all had to go sexless through our sitches. It will not kill you. So focus on what you can control. YOU. GO GAL. Like a madman. WOrk on detaching. (By the way, she isn't detaching...she is checking out of the marriage. Not the same thing at all.)

Hope for the best...but prepare for the worst Nial. We are here for you no matter how this turns out.