Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[P_Jam]

[quote=


PJ, the obvious trick here is you really well and truly have to move on. It's the only way. The longer you postpone moving on the longer it will take for her to come out of the fog. You've got to let her go and get busy working on you.[/quote]


This I know logically and I"m doing everything I can to get there emotionally. Generally I feel like I've done a pretty good job overall. If we look at the timeline (although BD date is a little complicated due to me catching confronting PA, as well as admitting to my previous infidelity) - Real BD for both was probably around mid to late Jan. I did 180 between late December and late January without her knowing I knew about PA. The begging and pleading proceeded for a couple of weeks after I confronted her. In hindsight this might have been better if I knew about DB, but I've also heard that it's not so bad to show some fight/support for the marriage at first anyway. Second PA (one night stand) was second week in Feb. I have not confronted her specifically about this PA (although she thinks I MIGHT know from people telling me). but one week after this PA I agreed that she needed move out and gave her 30 days. Essentially this is when I broke up with her - although I regret not letting her know exactly what I knew at the time. She will be out of my house the second week in April (and the week before that I'm gone on a golf trip). So I've got 2-4 more days of us sleeping in the same house (spread out over 2 weeks). Within all of this time frame I have jumped to have the house painted (the colors she always wanted - although they were well agreed to over a year ago so not like I was throwing it in her face too much). Replaced and built all bedroom furniture for the guest room (this is the stuff she is taking). Replaced aging chandelier that has been on the to-do list for a while since we shopped for the light together - it was just too high for me to replace. Doing everything I can to do kids lunches, arrange for new nanny/babysitters that support ME and my needs after she is gone (this was normally handled by her parents/niece). Have not had any relationship talks at all in the last 3 weeks. Pulled away enough that she has confronted me twice about being more 'friendly' in the house. One exception to relationship talk was when we met to discuss how we were going to tell the kids. During this conversation I did give her one more chance to reconsider (futile as leases were already signed) - but I just asked.. "Are you sure this is what you want" - she said "No, but we are here now and we need to move forward". - I agreed and that was it. I have maintained my GAL - still playing golf when appropriate (without too much burden on her with the kids). Celebrated my birthday without her (specifically let her know she was not invited). Taken "my" time on the weekends to have a couple of late nights out with friends.

I have since leveled off and been more 'friendly' in the house as I don't want to show anger. But I don't say goodbye when I leave. I only tell her where I'm going and timeline if its pertinent to having to pick up the kids or their care. Done more than my fair share of laundry and took care of everything while she and S9 were down with the flu for 2 weeks. In summary I think I've done a very good job showing her that I can EASILY survive without her. From my perspective, the ONLY thing missing is true emotional detachment - which I don't believe is realistic for ANYONE this early. I believe the fake-it-till-you-make-it has gone very well. Of course it doesn't have the full affect of being fully detached - but I think this is definitely more if an underlying current for her. I have no way to confirm, but this has to have some affect. Even if it doesn't take root until later. She is not leaving this house thinking that I will be a mess/wreck. I can guarantee that! Not to mention that one of my best friends just bought the house across the street from me. That house has a pool. His wife is a well qualified special needs teacher who is also going to be helping with nanny duties. My summer is set for GAL already and she knows it!

One other thing that is kinda pertinent... We technically are NOT married. Been 'engaged' for 13 years together 16. Because of our ages at the time of engagement and the strong want to start a family we both just put off the actual ceremony and cost to focus on having our 2 children. After that it was all about them and the paperwork was never that important. This is important because; I'm the only one with an attorney right now. I'm working with them to legalize the 50/50 parenting plan, as well as draft a document that she will need to sign agreeing to give up any rights to any other mutual assets once she accepts my lump sum transition payment, as well as agree and document the child support amount. The house and my car are only in my name. Her car is only in her name. She knows all of this. The lump sum amount is agreed to but document or check has not yet been signed. Child support (because of what she makes) is very realistic and might be slightly in favor of me. But she would have to spend A LOT of attorney money to get A LITTLE more and the net affect for what she could get would be a net loss. My point in telling you all this now is: once these 2 documents are signed and she is out. We are essentially divorced. In the future she can always go back and request more child support as things change - but generally speaking we are legally done. This could be good or bad for me - but considering a WW I see it as good. I can always wait/reconcile regardless if it turns that direction. But I'm also making it clear that this issue is 'completed' and if she so chooses to come back - we will address those issues then. I have also continued to tell her (every time she confronted me) - this is her relationship to save - not mine! Our first 'marriage' is over. If/when you want a new one with me - let me know.

Let me know if/where I screwed up - but part of me feels like this is DB at it's finest (once the strategy was recognized). Now to make it official by fixing my issues and fully moving on!

I still have a couple of questions for all of you that I will post soon, as I know there will be more conversations she starts once we begin to actually sign all the documents. I've addressed it a little, but with some nuance changes I want some more feedback. More to come (hopefully I can write it even today).