Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

September '18, first month on W's new job: W got home much earlier than in old job, but was hostile and barely looking at me. Avoided being in the same room. Something obviously was wrong. I tried to discuss it and she refused. Also refused counseling. Said she didn't feel like herself and hadn't for a while. Avoided any physical contact, saying she couldn't be affectionate or intimate if she didn't feel good about the relationship.

I asked what she needed to feel better in the relationship. She said she didn't think I was pulling my weight around the house or with our child. I had been under a lot of stress and thought she had a point. I started to 180 that right away and today I'm much better in those departments. Unfortunately my efforts may have just opened the cake shop. Me taking over our D's bedtime left W freer to go out.

She was on her phone nonstop. Last summer W had reconnected with an old work friend and suddenly, after being too tired to do anything social, wanted to go out in the city with that friend all the time. Friend has a long-term BF but he lives 2 hours away and they're on the rocks. BFF also is really into exercise. W was never heavy and lost pregnancy weight fast, but since then had put on about 25 pounds. She's always been curvy so it wasn't noticeable. But she changed her diet and exercised every day, at home or out with BFF, and lost the 25 pounds.

October '18: More of the same. Things were just starting to thaw when, one day, she started crying. She told me that lately she's been feeling sexually attracted to other women. This was new and I think it's a pretty complicated story how she got here.

I asked what it meant for us and she said she didn't know. I asked if she had feelings for anyone else and she said absolutely not, and that if we broke up in the end she wouldn't want a new relationship for a long time. Those statements were...not true.

Halloween my D brought me wife's phone, wanting to watch videos. On the screen were texts from BFF clearly indicating that W had a big crush on an unidentified woman, apparently a new colleague. W wanted advice on how to make that happen, BFF was more than happy to oblige. I was crushed.

November '18: Without revealing that I knew about fantasy/potential OW, I asked where we stood. She didn't want to discuss it (my wife can't handle emotional discussions and hates conflict). I did keep pushing and she finally said we should split. I was going to leave that night, at least for a few days. Unfortunately we're really short on money so I can't just get a nearby apartment. If I move out, I'm going to family several hours away.

She pulled back from the brink, told me to come back, said yes to counseling, which we started. I foolishly thought that she'd realized how serious this was and that was the end of OW. Wrong. One Friday she went out for a "quick drink" with coworkers that lasted 7 hours. I had lost all trust and, for the first time ever, snooped in her phone. It was devastating. She and BFF said horrible things about me and it was full speed ahead on trying to make OW happen. It appears nothing physical ever happened and it doesn't even appear to have gotten to the point of texting or reciprocal interest. Just my wife crushing hard on a coworker. (Close coworker. Bad idea.)

A couple of days later I confronted her. She cried a lot and was very chastened for a couple of days. Said she never would have done anything physical. Feeling insecure and having been deprived of affection and sex for months, I fell into pursuing. She said fixing the marriage was her top priority but it couldn't happen overnight or on my timeline. I read about pursuit/distance and realized that, for the first time ever, I was pursuing hard. Also came across DB. I decided to back off.

December '18: I backed off and things improved. She was more engaged with me, we started doing little things together. I brought in some decent income so we had breathing room. At Christmas we went for an overnight to see my family, which she previously said she didn't want to do (traffic, hard to travel with toddler, etc.). We had a great Christmas and I was thinking I was a fool to think we'd be divorcing. After our child went to sleep that night, I tried to kiss her. Big mistake. Despite my backing off, she said she still felt pressured and judged all the time. I didn't handle it well at all and it turned into a big fight.

New Year's Eve: She had invited her parents to our house. They (and she) are from far away and moved here only after our D was born. A big part of the story for another time. Then she told me we were going to their place. OK. Then, as we were heading out the door she got a text from BFF and she was thinking of going out with her in the city. You're kidding, right? She didn't change plans but sulked and ignored me for days.

January '19: She suddenly wanted to go out a lot more and would come home at 2 AM. With nobody to watch our D (W's mom takes her days but works evenings), I'd stay home. Never asked where she went or with whom, which didn't stop her from accusing me of smothering her with my nonexistent questions.

She spent her Christmas money on new clothes, my preppy W now looking like a punk rocker or a teenager. Leather pants, leopard-print tights, thigh-high boots, everything skin tight, lots of makeup.

The counseling was not working (we'd met the counselor together only the first visit, then my wife insisted on going separately). Counselor's opinion on our sitch changed with the breeze. I said I didn't want to go anymore.

W told me that I'd had a lot of life experiences before we got together and she felt she'd missed out. This had been a concern for me when we started out, one I discussed with her. At the time she said she wasn't the party type and only wanted me. Now, a decade later, she wants to party. I asked what particular experiences she felt she needed to have. She said she wanted to have sex with other women. Not what I wanted to hear.

I said we could break up and she could do whatever she wanted, or we could talk about her having permission to do that with some serious rules in place. This isn't what I want but I have a (female) friend who is bisexual and married to a man. They eventually settled on her being allowed to hook up with women if he gives the OK, no relationships, no coworkers, nobody they know, etc, etc., These things rarely work but it seems to for them. They're also very independent type people. My wife was very codependent and now wants to be totally independent. W said to forget the whole thing.

Late Jan, I thought she was inviting me to initiate sexual contact. Very, very wrong. She gave me the same story. Feels pressured, judged, not feeling good about the relationship, has to work out her own stuff first. Again, I'm sorry to say I reacted poorly. I have a pretty high libido, she's looking great these days, and this is really getting to me. I said it feels like we're not even married, like we're roommates who share the same bed only because we don't have an extra bedroom. She took off her wedding ring, said she didn't want to work on the relationship anymore because she was tired of me saying she wasn't trying. It hasn't gone back on since.

February '19: Little interaction, a lot of tension, W going out a lot. Valentine's Day a non-event. W went out of country for a week on a school trip. Her birthday fell that week. I was frankly relieved to have her away and had a good week. D and I did great. W skyped a couple of times and D wasn't interested at all.

She returned and more of the same. Even more texting. D brought me the phone one day and I found out W changed her passcode, changed settings so none of msg shows on screen, had contacts identified only by icons or initials. One set of initials coming up all the time. Changed FB settings so I couldn't see her friend list. Friends told me she was posting a lot of stuff on FB that they could see, but I couldn't. W started going out dancing even more and practicing Latin dance steps in the kitchen while making dinner. Civil to me but nothing substantive.

March '19: We actually had a decent discussion (she said she's wanted to but has been afraid to talk b/c fear of conflict). I've been avoiding R discussions per DB and b/c she's always hated them. She said we've been through a lot, she's been unhappy, she was worried too much about making me happy but she can't do that alone. She lost track of who she was, had no independent identity beyond wife, mother, teacher, daughter, sister. She needed space to do the things that bring her joy and have independent friendships. I said I didn't have a problem with any of that, but she could spend time with me too. I didn't appreciate being totally dropped and treated like crap. I didn't like the sexless marriage or not knowing if our D's family will be intact or not. Things improved for a few days, she started doing some small things with me.

I figured out, almost by accident, who her new texting (and dancing) friend is. Another teacher in her school, different department. Basically her age. Female, gay. I matched person to initials. W responded yes to a dance event on FB and so did this woman, who has same FB profile pic as my W: them and, ironically, W's OW1, in a national park during the school trip abroad. W has never once mentioned this person to me except one brief mention "my friend I go dancing with." Reminds me of fall when she'd talk about all her new colleagues except OW1.

This already has gone way beyond OW1. OW1 was 45, recently divorced from a guy, had two kids who attend the school where they teach, had a relationship going, and never had any interest in my W. This possible OW2 is my wife's age, texts W nonstop, and they go out 2-3x a week. W stays longer at work now, I guess to hang with possible OW2. The same-sex aspect makes it tricky. It's possible they're just good new friends but there's every reason to believe it's at least an EA, if not a full PA.

So here we stand. Neither of us have brought up this woman's existence but I'm lonely, sexless, suspicious, and just plain tired of this. Never been in a situation like this before and in the past would have broken up long ago. But I married her, I love her very much, and I don't want to be apart from my child. This whole time she has never mentioned divorce or anyone moving out, except when I have been upset and forced a discussion. Which I don't do anymore. She seemingly has been doing a much better job of GAL and detaching. It doesn't come naturally to me at all.