What to tell the kids and how to handle contact with the in-laws is a very very difficult thing for me too. My kids are older and they knew full well the M was not working and that we were both unhappy. The Eldest is old enough to have his own opinions, and my challenge there is validating his feelings while not colluding with him or allowing him to be disrespectful to H. At the moment, we're in a a kind of limbo and Eldest would love me to say 'H is never coming back, we're splitting up' and Youngest would love me to say 'Daddy will come home soon - we're working on it' - I don't think I can honestly say either of those things. What I do say is 'the way things were was making us all unhappy and it is over now. It will never be like that again. What things will be like in the future, I do not know - but I know Daddy loves you and misses you and I know we're both working hard on being the best we can be right now,' and that seems to be okay for the time being.
I don't have any contact at all with my in-laws. I'm sad about that, and quite hurt too - and I don't know how that will work if and when there is an R - but I am choosing not to worry about that at the moment, and supporting my children in having relationships with their paternal family by making sure they're available to see them when H arranges that contact. I did make one phone call pretty early on in the situation to my MIL just letting her know she was welcome to arrange contact with the kids via me at any point if she wanted to, and despite the fact we'd had a good relationship previously, MIL was very cool with me, changed the subject entirely, and hasn't been in touch since. I've decided just to let that lie for the time being.
