WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Previous post was sent inadvertently before finished..............

I have just read this thread. I can't believe it is over a year since I started it. Beginning to think that my situation is in line for a prize as one of the slowest moving here on the site!! There is a good and a bad side to that. I will focus on the good side but admit wondering about if a BD is down the road. I said wondering as opposed to stressing. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. It would sadden me that it ends after all this time, but I imagine I will embrace the opportunities and possibilities of such a situation. That's the advantage of having already mourned my M!!

But here I am for now. I believe I see clearly my situation and my W. I know things are not how I want and W isn't someone I enjoy spending time with right now. BUT I still see and believe in her potential. As long as that potential exists, my stand makes sense to me.

The reason for coming here today is to take some notes for future reference and also to help me ponder on my side of things. Recently W, during moments where the kids or life have overwhelmed her (as happens to most people anyway just more often in MLCland), she has stated things like:
# "I haven't bought a new trousers in months and does it not bother anyone else that I don't have any jeans to wear" I will say that I am lucky my W does not excessively spend on clothes etc, but she does buy more often than me. My first reaction was to say that, but I held back. In the end, I just let it slide and didn't even empathise. Ah those missed opportunities. And she has loads of pants, tracksuits, skirts and dresses so being jeanless doesn't mean she has nothing to wear. TBH I thought she still had some jeans (and probably does).
# Last week at dinner, the boys were hyper. Nothing major but definitely not an enjoyable time. As I was reprimanding my eldest she stormed off to our room. She is often the picture of patience with the boys and has invested largely in learning communications skills and other aspects of parenting. I sent son to his room. She came back. When son was allowed back things were better but she said that such interactions especially at mealtimes are not enjoyable for HER and asked does anyone care about that. She went on to specify that no one comforted her and not only the kids.

I could list other examples but in essence she is feeling self-pity and looking for us and ME to comfort her. I have tried that in the past and if she got upset I would go see if there was anything she wanted to talk about or for me to do to help. Invariably I was shut out. So now I just observe, sometimes emphatise but mostly ignore any "woe is me" episodes. This approach seems contrary to my overall view on how I would like things to be but is now driven from a place where I am not motivated to be the one to work on the M.

I welcome any thoughts on this.

I could be wrong but I think things are heading somewhere, where a R chat could be down the line. This is just an impression but not something that I am progressing towards. I won't be starting one, anyway. For me at the moment I have put the M aside and am focusing on other stuff. Plus I am not around as much as before. I have always given her space since I started this journey, but now I am taking more and more space for ME, but not as a tactic. I just enjoy non W stuff more. The more I push for W-free time, she finds ways to become part of some of that! I can see that and mostly am open to it, but will admit not always. I don't think that I am fun to be around for her, but still she seems to want my presence. That is what is interesting and confusing about my situation. It isn't clear but I believe in time it will become clearer because choices will be made one way or another. So whilst giving it somemore time, I observe the potential and carry on with my life as much as possible.

Thanks for reading