even if he did say sorry are you sure you would believe him?
This made me laugh. Only because I think you're spot on. I don't think I would believe him. That's kind of the situation we were in after his EA. I was so so so so upset and he was partly very remorseful and making it up to me, and partly getting exhausted by my demands that he make me feel better and we were richocheting between those two states and it was terrible, and in the end he said he felt like I was this bottomless pit of need he would never be able to satisfy and he totally checked out. I can see why he'd feel like that. I have a HUGE problem with trust and that isn't something he can fix for me. I am working on that with IC but I am not there yet. Even when good things happen, I can always find a way to rationalise myself into mistrust - feeling like he's manipulating me, that he doesn't mean it, etc etc. I know this problem is me rather than him because I am like this with everyone. What makes it tricky is that H has acted in ways that have broken my trust and while I want to let that go into the pass, I don't feel emotionally safe with him yet.
I don't think I'll be ready to R until I am at the baseline of theoretically being able to trust someone, even if that person ends up not being H. I have a ways to go.
I want to try to notice the positive though. I was away from work and got home later than I thought I would yesterday. H texted me during the day and asked if I would change our plans and have Youngest instead of him, because he was tired and wanted to catch up on his work. I said yes, and I also said I felt a bit vulnerable doing all this to support him in his work and it made me feel afraid I was being taken advantage of or made a fool of. I don't know whether saying that was good or not, but I was feeling a bit resentful and insecure about giving him the things he's asked for - being as encouraging as I can, doing the bulk of the childcare and child admin, etc etc. Anyway - I did say it. And he was accepting of that and said he was grateful, and it was just temporary until he finished his project. When I finally did get home I was exhausted and he messaged again and said he'd go and collect Youngest and bring him home to me so I could have a nap and a shower, which was thoughtful and I appreciated. It felt like a compromise, and for the very first time in a long time we were parenting together - each thinking about the other's needs and making a contribution. I also saw that when he came to the house to drop off Youngest he was wary of me - probably expecting me to be tired and resentful and blaming and grumpy and a pain - so I just made some chit chat with him and made a fuss of Youngest, and then he relaxed. I can see he is still very scared of the prospect of me being critical of him or unhappy with him.
