Kinda New

[DnJ]

Hello F5

CaliGuy has given you some good solid advice. No matter what, the kids are 50% from her, and they will know that, and wonder. She is their one and only mother, don’t ever work them against her.

Everyone’s situation is a little different, and still somehow similar. My W’s BD was in front of everyone, so the kids knew and were exposed to all the crazy.

As best you can do not speak bad of her. This does a few things. First you will not demonize her in the eyes of your children. She will cause more than enough damage all on her own, which is bad enough, don’t add to it. Your real job regarding the relationship between Mom and kids is not to fix it, it is to not destroy it.

Second, speaking badly of W will eat away at you, and eventually that will alter your outlook.

Thirdly, you are the strong and stable parent. Their rock in this storm. Your kids need you; be the best Dad you can be. No need to focus on all the bad, focus on all the good. Make memories, take trips, go to the zoo, listen to your kids, talk to them, hug her when her heart gets broken with her first boyfriend (that is a little ways off ), be the Dad your son calls first when he is stuck in the ditch.

That is the general idea.

If my kids ask about the divorce should I tell them dad doesn't want a divorce that this is moms doing ? Something along those lines?

If your kids...hold on I might as well be accurate.

When your kids ask about the divorce, be honest and age appropriate. They will have questions and you wil provide answers and understanding for them. Compassionate, truthful, explainations will help them and you so very much.

As for what to say - “Dad doesn’t want a divorce that this is Mom’s doing”, may be true and accurate, but don’t start there. What your kids want and need to hear is that you love them.

So something like, I love you two with all my heart, and I still love Mom, and I am sure you both love Mom. Mom and I are having some troubles and they have nothing to do with either of you. We both love you.

If they persist and want further answers then yes tell them you are not wanting to divorce Mom. It may get to this point, it may not. From my experience with my nephew and niece (who are closer to your kids’ ages) that is all they needed to hear, just what was really going on. Once they figured it out, it was “oh okay”. Kids accept things pretty quickly if it’s open and honest.

I don't feel this is appropriate but I am not an expert in MLC.

It’s ok, none of us are experts in MLC. However, talking to your kids doesn’t have anything to do with MLC. I know there are going to be some discussions that will take place only because of MLC. Make the distinction in your mind. You are talking to your kids and helping them, it could be about homework, Christmas gifts, buying movie snacks, or Mom’s behaviour (or your’s). Talking, loving, and being with your kids has nothing to do with MLC. It is because you are an awesome Dad.

Should I tell them about my stand ?

As in most things in life - it depends. I think your children are a bit young to get the idea of standing for someone. Just stick with I love your Mom. Your stand will show by your actions, don’t worry they will see. Eventually they will understand.

They are 7&9 and I don't want them in the middle but I don't want to lie to them.

Yes, don’t lie to them. That includes omissions. You will have to omit certain facts and items, I get that, just let them know. Something along the lines of “You are too young to discuss that. I will talk about it when you are older”. You are omitting something for a reason, you can state the reason and not the item. You are being truthful, protective, and open - about the best you can shoot for.

Unfortunately the kids do end up in the middle of all this. Custody, split living arrangements, etc...

I recently had an unexpected opportunity to have supper with a friend and his two daughters. His W went crazy, took the kids, and left him in a campground 2000 miles from home. He went to dump the trailer septic tanks and came back thinking they were just walking around. Hours later she finally answered his frantic texts and told him. When he got home, the locks were changed, she had a restraining order against him, and the police were looking for him. It has taken almost a year to sort out her lies with the courts and get some custody of his daughters. Him and I have spoke a lot over the last year.

Anyhow, the girls are really doing good. They are happy, joyful little girls. When I showed up at the restaurant, I squished myself in beside the two girls and left Dad on “his” side of the booth. They squealed and laughed. After a minute I sat on the proper side. They coloured, ate their pizza, and chatted. They brought up thier Mom talking about how she cooks different than Dad.

Then, these little people amazed me. The older one, the more talkative of the two, and I were talking and she stated - “I have two homes”. I was a little stunned but managed to keep conversing, asking her about her bedrooms. With all normalcy she told me her and her sister have separated bedrooms at Mom’s and share a room at Dad’s.

To me, this friend, probably you, and most adults we see it as “his” house and “her” house. Kids live at “his” house for x amount of time then go to “her” house for x amount of time.

To children, those are “their” homes. “I have two homes.” No ownership details fogging things up, kids are egocentric, in the best way. They just accept things as they are, so finding stability is a great thing for them.

So yes they are in the middle. Not a bad place to be. It is where they will place themselves anyhow, and will have a childlike view of things, which might just surprise you.

Not in the middle, on the side, forgotten, ignored - my kids have loads of experience with that from their Mom. Any situation will work out, just be that stable parent. Be the best you will be.

DnJ