Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[P_Jam]

PJ,

It’s very unlikely that your W is thinking about whether she wants to reconcile or work on the marriage. Right now she is 100% convinced that getting rid of you is the key to her happiness. The only thing she is concerned with you right now is that you are still on the hook to be her back up plan.

Hi LH! Thank you! I need you to keep reminding me this. Currently I haven't internalized this fully. I still believe that she is not 100% convinced that getting rid of me is the key to her happiness. I believe she is still genuinely confused and although she is doing her best to continue to justify her actions by making me the problem - it's not fully set in yet. <-- this is either my 'hope' or my naivete - only time will tell, so please continue to keep me on my toes. As I also know that even if I'm more right than you, my strategy for detachment and dropping the rope to work solely on myself does not change not matter who might be 'right'. And simple reminders like this help me get through the days that I'm not as confident - Like today. She is back from being sick and back to work and we are both working from home today. She is out now at her new apartment as her couch is getting delivered. Again, I hope these 'waves' subside a little when she is out of the house and I don't have/get to know everything that she is doing. My biggest fear at this point is that when she moves out and I try NC (accept for the kids) that she mirrors me and I see no results. <-- Yes, I know... this my issue with expectations and not detachment. But I believe we all go through this and it's a process. Hopefully as I'm working on myself the motivation for NC becomes more about me and not the expected results.

Update for you all on me seeing OW:
I had a good conversation with my IC yesterday. And although he generally agreed that I don't owe her anything, and that doing this MIGHT make detachment a little easier. It is important for me to really take the additional time after she moves out to face my loneliness head-on "A lone". Continue the sexual sabbatical AT LEAST one month after she is gone maybe 2. Be comfortable with the situation and myself let it all sink in before making this decision. There is really no right/wrong as this step is concerned unless the decision is made in haste. He reminded me that some of the motivation could be revenge. Even if it doesn't feel 'angry' it currently feels like a tit for tat. Furthermore, because some of the issues I need to work on (the reason I cheated) very likely are related to my want/need for OW right now - and that is something that I need to work through for my personal growth (or at least better understand) before I jump into it.

So, I plan to take this advice stay 'clean' while I go through the first initial steps of starting to heal (which really won't start until she is out of the house regardless of how long I have been refraining from sex).

Definitely the hardest thing I have EVER gone through, but for an anxious/control person that has always had issues with rumination/worry - I do still give myself some credit as I have been able to 'worry' less in this situation even though I"m not yet detached. Even on down days I find that writing here allows me to release and move on for the day. Still feeling a bit down, but not 'worrying' and not as focused on her.. just accepting that I'm sad today and this too shall pass.

so here is to another day! Thank you all for listening.