Hey Kate - while Blu gets back to you, let me share my experience with this and how it affected my kids.
I have two kids, 7 & 9 - same ages as yours. The separation period was hard in the beginning for them. My oldest especially was terrified that I wasn't coming back every time he would leave me to go with his mom. Obviously they didn't understand what was going on and we sat them down and gave them age appropriate info. I asked my exW to lead the convo as I wasn't breaking this to the kids.
Since then, over the past year, kids have reminisced about the family home and living a life together. My youngest is also very attached to me - I have a very strong bond with both my kids as I did take time away from my jobs to care for them when they were young. My youngest would also have many episodes where she wouldn't want me to leave. They have generally asked a few times about why the separation and why they are living in two places. Both of them have shown great frustration at living in two places over the year. My oldest had an emotional breakdown over a year ago when my exW said something really stupid to him - she should've framed it in a different way. But I got a call from the school that my oldest was just sad and crying and the Principal told me that he lashed out in class and when they talked to him, he said that his family was breaking apart. Man, my heart went out to him so badly. He said that that was what his mom had told him. What a dumb way to explain it to a kid. I went to school and got him and just gave him love. No talking no explanations, just love, hugs, and kisses.
For me, I knew that my journey towards self reclamation after BD included improving my relationship with the kids. Two books have been instrumental and totally transformative for me becoming a better parent and a better person in general: books by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and Robert W. Greene. Look them up.
In terms of the nitty gritty, the following things have worked really well for me and the kids:
1. Developing consistency in schedule and the kids knowing what their day and each week looks like - they both know the calendar and when they are with me and when they are with their mom.
2. Involving them in making 'family' decisions to give them a sense of control and belonging - we make weekly menus together; we plan activities together; etc. any decision that may affect them and it's reasonable to get them involved, I do it. They are learning how to cook with me now, which is fun
3. I started 'family' meetings. I realized that trying to talk to them about what they were feeling or school or whatever was getting difficult. So, 'family' meetings was a good way to create a fake structure to talk about stuff. Both kids take turns being the 'Chair' and we do once a week meetings. We co-create the agenda. I take this as an opportunity to share with them what's going on in my life and work and so there is a give and take about us sharing, and it's not just me asking them about their life. We do a Q&A session at the end when they get to ask any questions, which is always fun.
4. I highly prioritize their emotional health vs anything else in life or at school. I have been working with them to create self-awareness around emotions and even just naming them when they feel them and us discussing it later.
5. And love, kisses, hugs, storytime, games etc always always always
There is also another framework that I personally developed over a year ago. I call it the 'Law of Needs'. It goes like this. I recognized that I always minimized my needs in life and marriage and that was a huge detriment to my well being. Led to depression etc.
So, I vowed that I would not minimize my needs. However, with kids, I needed to figure out how I would balance that. Hence the 'Law of Needs'.
My needs and the kids needs (not our 'wants') are on the same level playing field, same dimension. They operate in parallel. However, there are shared needs and they overlap - it creates great opportunities to spend more quality time with the kids and do stuff together. But, there are also times when our needs clash. Whenever that happens, the kids needs always trump mine.
For example, I am tired and I need to lie down on the couch and rest, but the kids want to play a game or go for a walk or to the playground, I get my butt up from the couch and do what they want. Yes, I need to rest, but I can do that later too.
Having this framework has allowed me to make sure that everybody's needs are met and there is problem solving approach when I may have to defer my needs.
I would say that ultimately give your kids consistency, a sense of control and ownership over their lives, don't bad mouth the other parent and don't divulge anything to them that is not age appropriate. And super duper amounts of love, affection, hugs, and kisses.
Ultimately, as I improved myself and went through personal growth, my parenting improved tremendously. My relationship with my kids improved a thousand fold. What I have with them right now is just incredible. But I read, did experiments with different strategies, and fine tuned some stuff. Get yourself emotionally healthy and the rest will follow. My strategies might not work exactly for you, but you will figure out what works for you and your children.
More than happy to answer in more specificity and approaches I took. I have tons of examples to illustrate what I am talking about - let me know.
