And I have to be honest here Alison: you need to forgive your husband for the past. I can see lots of 'I understand how he was like this because I was like that' but I don't see any forgiveness yet. Maybe it's too early for you. I feel like until you can forgive him at least a bit (emotionally, not just intellectually) and let go of some of your resentments you will find it hard to trust that he can change, and your behaviour will make it harder for him to change, because you'll constantly be judging and waiting for him to slip up and go back to old habits. I can see that he did a few things during family therapy which seemed like old habits, but it sounds like outside that he also did some positive things which show willingness to change. Maybe try to focus more on the positive stuff than the negative, it takes time to change habits and if you believe the worst of him then he'll live down to those expectations. None of his terrible behaviour was acceptable, just like my husband's behaviour was unacceptable, but they both had their reasons for behaving that way and they had no malicious intent, they were responding in a really terrible way to stuff they felt and to the way we acted and reacted. But forgiveness is a process and a very long and difficult and cyclical one too, I'm finding. Anyway, I'm playing devil's advocate to some of the stuff you're saying, I know you've had a bad day or two and I hope you manage to find your hope again.
Just taking this from Dilly's thread and thinking about it here so I don't clutter up her thread with my own situation.
I think if I am stuck, this is where it problem is. I feel like I am fairly self aware - with more work to do, of course - and I can see my place in the dynamic and own my short comings. I feel like I have good 180s and while nowhere near perfect, I am working on them. I love my H and I don't need him to be perfect, though I feel incredibly hurt and wary and suspicious of his motivations. He has absolutely consistently said he wants to work on things with me for the last three months. I could give him a long list of things I want to work on, but he hasn't ever been specific about what he thinks he needs to change. He says he'd like to be more 'open' sometimes - and I think that's part of it, and I have seen him trying to do that in small ways that do matter and clearly make him feel vulnerable.
But I don't feel forgiving. I guess I am waiting for him to say sorry - to show proper remorse - before I feel safe that he isn't going to do the old stuff again and hurt me again. And I can see how my lack of forgiveness and waryness leads me to assume the worst about his motivations, which of course isn't going to make him feel safe in being open. I just feel so so so so relieved to be out of that old M that I am terrified of being tricked and sucked back to something that would look like it. I was miserable. I think I'm as much as WAW as I am a LBS in this case. Or a WAW that hasn't quite walked away, or has one eye over her shoulder. I don't know.
Does anyone have any suggestions about forgiveness?
