Phoenix, what a lovely note. It's true that I still do love W in some very strong ways. But I don't see this as being in conflict with loving myself - and right now I absolutely am making decisions based on what "I" need (no longer what "we" need). I make these decisions unapologetically.
Yes, detaching is difficult. Because a large part of my brain is still in "we" mode. I catch myself in language. I say to friends, "come over to our house" when it is not "our" house. I have to re-write my future and that's a tough pill to swallow.
I've written this before, but I really do feel that when W moved out my emotions exploded in both directions. I feel a deeper sadness than I've ever experienced but also very high positives sometimes. It's like I woke up. I was living in a happy little mundane world without really feeling I was part of it. Now I'm a participant and the trade-off is that I feel this incredible pain every daywhile also feelingthis incredible sense of power at the openness in the world and all the possibilities ahead of me. Boy, I sure wish I had this feeling while still with W.
I do look in the mirror and genuinely love myself. I am absolutely kick-ass, and I have the funky new haircut to prove it:) I am working on bringing this self into other people's lives in non-romantic ways. My greatest growth right now is being social. I was a painfully shy child but as an adult I genuinely like people. Having nice interactions and helping people in my job is allowing me to grow in a way I never thought I'd really get to.
This note you wrote me is so kind and wonderful Phoenix. Thank you. I feel like I'm hearing a new you as well ( I do keep up with your sitch). You seem to also be turning corners every day. We all do the 2 steps forward and 1 step back dance but you seem to be stepping forward, forward forward and doing so with genuine interest in self improvement. So happy for you.
