Quotes found on Divorcebusting (7)

[Ready2Change]

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W said that S(7) was peppering her with questions about who decided they wanted the D, and W eventually told him that we both decided on D. I was boiling on the inside when W told me this. I told her that is a lie and that it was the one thing I said not to say to the kids. W got angry and said "what was I supposed to say!". I told her months ago that this was going to be a question she had to answer and she should have one ready that did not name me as part of the decision. That she should have kept deflecting or figured something out and not to mislead .S(7).

I said I was going to have to think about what to do about this betrayal of what we discussed, implying I might talk to S about it. W then became livid, finger in my face, saying not to put the kids in the middle and not to try an pit them against her because she would "win", they would take her side because she is their mother. I was stone faced as she went on her tirade. When she stopped to take a breath I asked "are you done?". She finished up by "warning" me not to say anything.

Honestly this particular issue is one of the most perplexing as far as how to handle and what to say/not say to the kids. I want no ownership of the D decision but I recognize the need to do what's best for the kids. Anyone with thoughts on this, I would love some input, THANK YOU!

I am going to give you some input, that is based on my own experience and growth from my journey. I can not nor will I tell you, what I believe is right for you, but I can tell you, what ended up being right for me - hopefully that will be of use to you - I will try to make my self as clear as possible, however english is not my maternal language, and sometimes, I do mess up what I am intending to portray, hopefully you get what I am trying to say.

So basically, I was through a horrible end my relationship - my ex had just returned to her job from maternal leave, and not 3 months later, she is having a PA with her co-worker, whom she then left her, at the time, S1 and D4 for.

I was filled with resentment (I still have a lot of anger boiled up with the fact that 1: my kids will be broken of sorts from this experience, that is devastating to me, and I hold her accountable, and always will. 2. I am missing out on half of my children childhoods, and that is also devastating).

I came from a place of frustration, resentment, anger and simply being completely unable to see, that my life continues, with or without my ex, and because of that, I told her, and held her to the following for a long time: When we were to tell the kids, then they should know, that this was not a mutual decision. That daddy did not want the family to split up.

As time went by, day by day I just let go of a bit of my old self, and I have surrounded myself with people who love me, activities that make me happy, and I appreciate every minute that I get to spend with my kids, on a level that I haven't really thought about earlier, and I most likely do spend more time with them with 100% focus on them, than I did when I had them 100% of the time.

I am at a place in my life today, where we are telling our kids that mommy and daddy are friends, but we are not going to live together anymore, and that they are going to have not one, but two cool bedrooms now. <-- what changed? I grew, I detached, and I realized, that my kids has absolutely no need to know, that mommy wanted out at the age of 2 and 5. There will come a time, when they are grown up individuals with an evolved kognitive understanding of how relations work here in life. When that time comes, they will be able to grasp the truth, and then, only then will they get to know, what happened when they were little. My ex knows, that this day is coming, and she knows that she will have to own up to it, but not now - for now, my 2 and 5 year old angels just need to focus on what interior they want in their fancy new rooms, what dress D5 wants to wear tomorrow, and S2 just need to drive around on his pushbike - basically, they just need to have the best, stressfree childhood, that I and my ex can provide them with - they didn't ask for this (neither did you - but we are the grown ups, we are the ones who take the beatings, so our kids can live in unknowing bliss and in return, we get to see the stars in their eyes whenever they experience something for the first time, because they are innocent, and for as long as humanly possible, that is my quest to keep them innocent, happy and safe).

I hope that makes sense to you.
(hugs)