My flawed (and easily influenced) thinking sometimes is. If she wants space, give her space, if she wants silence, or emotionally ignore me, then give her silence, or short polite scarce superficial responses, if she wants to seperate, then I'm going to act like it, by possibly not attending family functions.
When you act these ways, you appear punitive. If you can't be sociable at your W's birthday party, then don't attend. How awkward for your in-laws, if you sit silently and refuse to participate.......thinking you are really showing your W a thing or two!
You cannot balance, Robert. Why would you have a custom cake made, with a birthday card from you.....just to leave for her, and not attend the party? Talk about a "mind "F$!#" game"......you seem to be very good at it. You say the cake would be a 180 degree, but then you ruin the 180 by leaving the cake and not attending the party....or attending but acting quiet and not socializing much. Your decision to act cold and give her the silent treatment destroys the efforts you put into the 180. I'm not telling you to go or not go. I'm saying the two actions don't agree. Having a custom cake, with a nice BD card.......and then purposely refusing to attend the birthday party your in-laws are having......don't match. If you were female, I would think you were trying to steal the spotlight on your W's birthday. That's how it looks. However, I really think you are having trouble balancing some of the things you've read.
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If she wants to ask how was my day, I will answer. Sometimes I ask how was hers, sometimes I don't just out of principle. If she wants to sit in front of me for 4 hrs and only interact with S. Im fine with that. If i make funny playful comments with son or what s on tv, sometimes she laughs, sometimes she completely ignores. To me its a mind "F$!#" game, to her its probably preservation of self.
Sometimes you don't ask how her day was......just out of principle? What principle would that be?
That last sentence is so, so sad. Like I tried to tried you in your previous thread, these actions are not working for you. What do you suppose would happen if you stopped with the punitive behavior?
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But I can't help but question my own sanity. Like am I being perceived as rude or manipulative in doing what I am doing from a healthy psychological perspective? One thing is for sure. Need to keep busy for me, get out of house when not watching S1 and talk with family and people that understand and appreciate candidacy, since she no longer does.
Well all we have is what you've shared, and from your own posts you sound like there are times you are rude, and I don't know about manipulative.......but you seem to want to inflict pain on your W, or at least, make her sorry she ever thought about leaving you. Personally, I don't see that being healthy for anyone.
Maybe your W is too sensitive to your "candid" way of talking.....especially when speaking to her. Everyone is not raised in a family that speaks bluntly, and with little care of how it hurts the listener. Maybe you think she should toughen up and get use to it. Maybe she can't. Maybe she tries, but still gets offended. Then what do you do? Never talk to her? I don't know what the answer is for the two of you, I only know what you are currently doing is not working.
You've written about how the two of you are different. What are some things you both enjoy? What attracted to her to you?
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I could probably 180 everything on her list, and it wouldn't have any impact. Im done attaching feelings, self worth, and psychological integrity to someone that doesn't want me.
Interesting statement. Why would you attach self worth and psychological integrity to another person?
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It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
