Yail, I generally have problems with simple labels, so I disagree with Steve's characterization of "intellectualization." I try to approach life holistically, as the boundaries we establish distinguishing the emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual don't serve me well. For example, the insight and inspiration you derive from Tolstoy strikes me as spiritual, as well as intellectual and emotional.
Bottom line: it works for you. Far be it for me to question your motives, second-guess your enthusiasms, or impose caution (unless I am invited to do so) on you or anyone else who shares of him- or herself on this board. I leave that for others who seem ready enough to do all that. I have dealt with enough such people in real life and I realize this affect relates to a subtle need for control.
Sokaku, I don't know if this will resonate with you, but I had mentioned before that my W's "niceness" is part of the issue. I will ALWAYS hold myself accountable for my behavior, but my emotions are non-negotiable. I have them. I feel joy, anger, sadness, grief, awe, envy, irritation. My W's "niceness" sometimes manifests in stress and anxiety whenever I do not emotionally respond to the world in a way she might have. And I refuse to contort myself to be her emotional clone.
How much of this is a result of waning hormones that come with middle age? I suspect a lot. I have always had a strong sense of self and have never pretended to be anyone but myself. A friend referred to estrogen as the "patience" hormone. Most of our mutual friends have variously described her walking away as "chemical" or that "something snapped." How else to explain how a deep, intimate relationship could end when it suddenly dawned on W that emotions she lived with for more than 3 decades are no longer acceptable?
So my W's case is difficult, as perhaps your W's case might be. My W did not go full "girls gone wild" and she is not in any EA or PA, despite what people who rely on easy labels might say. I think this actually makes it harder for her to come back, particularly if she continues to regard my emotional complexity as THE problem.
As hard as it has been, I am moving forward to work on a rather well-defined vision of a future, with or without her. With her would be fantastic. But not at the cost of emotional constipation.
