J - you just summed it up in one sentence that I was trying to say. Couldn't have it written more perfectly.
Blu - yes, if there is an A, attempts at 'paving the home' will come across as weak and the other person is losing even more respect for you. That's why you have to just walk away at that point and get your strength and dignity back so that you are never viewed as Plan B.
There is only so much the LBS can do and that's why the advice to become the best version of yourself for yourself is golden. If the other person wants to recon, then they must have done the work and made changes, not to mention true remorse, transparency, honesty, and some level of emotional fitness. For me I would always look for the person taking ownership and accountability of what they did - not just BD, but how they contributed to the deterioration of the M. Without that, there is nothing for me to work with. I wouldn't entertain a recon attempt without all of that.
And even if that happens, as you have so eloquently and painstakingly recorded here, the piecing journey is difficult and strewn with mines. So, it's a lot to take.
Ultimately, it's you with yourself for sure. Take care of that relationship first and you'll do more than fine.
