4 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

Thanks for weighing in guys. I think the concept of "paving the way home" changes due to the dynamic between the couple. I was quite emotional and angry and spent a bit of time lashing out at H when he ran off with OW. So in my sitch, I had to knock that off. I had to put on my poker face and show him indifference so that he felt safe to approach me at all. In the mean time I got better at GAL and detachment. So he saw my naturally moving on and planning my life without him (and I was). I started to remove myself as plan B and he naturally became more curious about what I was doing. He also became afraid that I would move on and not reconsider him, which is why he did a fast turn around. At the same time he was realizing more and more that OW was a big mistake. She wanted a more than he ever did and she had become his only ally so he had felt more stuck and she was less desirable to him.

The mistake I read here a lot is that people think that "paving the way home" means that they can work on the R while their S is gone. It doesn't work that way and it actually makes you a doormat. They might seem as if they are working on the R, but in reality they are just securing you as the back up plan in case they made a mistake. Sadly, what the LBS doesn't realize is that if you allow them to work on the R after they have just left you (and or are having an A) they are simultaneously losing respect for you. They will not want to come back, even if they are sending mixed messages that they might. Think about it from this angle: if your H or W leaves the M, and you are saying "I still love you. I am still here. Pick me," that actually makes you look weak and desperate. A strong and confident person would protect their hurt feelings and say "I am too good for this. I deserve better. I am taking care of me now." Because your S coming to you and saying they are unhappy is one thing, but when they pick up and leave or have an A, that is quite another! Why would you want someone that can treat you that way?

That is why I believe in the DB program here and Sandis rules. It is the only natural response. When someone leaves you, let them go. Focus on yourself and your kids. Become the best version of yourself. Don't try and work on the R, nice them back, or show them your changes. It won't work. You can only control one person and that is yourself. .... I read so many posters here making excuses for why their sitch is different, how the rules don't apply to them, why their S isn't having an A, and on and on. Nope. That is not how it works. Those of us that have been reading here for so many years, see the same patterns again and again.

Maika, is right as well. Even if you do follow the rules and even if you do everything perfect, many will still not come back. And for those that do, they must have changed first. It takes two strong people that are willing to look inside and change. That is asking a lot! They must also be remorseful, honest, and transparent, for piecing to work. Then and even then, like in my case, you can be 4 years down the road and still question it. It is so, so hard. .... So take care of yourself people, because you will always have yourself no matter what happens.

Blu