I read your posts. I am impressed at how strong you are, given such a hard circumstance. I mean wow. I am also glad that you have so many friends and family supporting you - that is so important. You seem like you are handling everything really well. ... I felt triggered reading your story. I found myself having feelings of anger towards your H. He left his pregnant W for a younger woman at work? That is just so gross. This guy is no prize. I do not mean to sound harsh, but he is pretty awful. Not that it helps, but I also think my H was a complete selfish jerk too.
I have to say I agree with AS and had the same thoughts as I was reading. I think you let your H back too soon and he didn't have to do any work or make any changes. Unfortunately it sends the message they you are available and he can come back if he changes his mind. I don't think in his eyes he ever lost you. It is a weird and dysfunctional game to play, and I'll be the first to admit that. I will also say that it took me a long time to know how to play it right. One of the things I did do right in my sitch, when I finally learned how to follow the rules, was have very firm boundaries about what I would allow and not allow. My H did not get to come anywhere near me until 1. he dropped OW, proved it, and was clear he didn't want her, 2. showed continual remorse, and 3, showed me with words and actions that he was committed to doing anything to have me back. Only then did I tell him I would give him another chance. Many posters may not get to this place, but those things must be in place before a successful recon IMO.
He also didn't get to that place until he saw me moving on and was even afraid I might have been dating other people (I wasn't). And the hardest part for me was the "paving the way home," and showing him I wouldn't rip his head off if he approached me. I had to hide all my emotions and act pleasant and detached. For me, it was a big 180, because he saw me lashing out for quite awhile. So when I changed my responses to him -- and I even came across as indifferent -- he freaked and thought he was losing me. 180s are different for different people and I don't get the sense you have been as emotionally labile and acting out as I was. You really do seem much stronger and together!
You asked about meeting the OW because he is bringing the baby to their place. That is a hard one. And many might tell you that you cannot control it. My instinct is that because you are even asking, that it is important to you and that yes you should tell him that. You need to feel that the baby is comfortable and safe at all times, and you are his mom! It also sends a very clear message to these dummies that you will protect baby's best interest and that you are paying attention to what is going on with your H (and his terrible decision making). ... I gotta hand it to you also. You seem incredibly calm and patient all things considered. I was very clear with my H the moment I learned of the A, "you will never bring our children around that crazy OW." I would not budge on this and fortunately he never tried me. This is something that I perhaps couldn't control, but that I would never let down on.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
