Another thing to note, is that not all WHs do return, and in fact most do not. Sadly, I think for some it's just too late, or for some their pride (or shame) prevents them from ever trying to return... Of the ones that do return, there seems to be a pattern of the LBS finally letting go, detaching, and starting to move on. She sends the message that she doesn't need him to be okay in life. He starts to feel that loss as she removes herself from plan B. She is simultaneously "paving the way home," in that he is no longer afraid of her hurt/anger - meaning she is approachable. And yes, it IS contradictory, which is another reason it is so hard. It is also hard to keep your emotional process private from a person that is no longer safe, but also send the message that you would possibly, maybe still be open to reconciliation. This also has to be done more with actions than words. So yes, it feels contradictory and it feels impossible.
That's such a great insight. It is about balancing two very opposing ideas and that just creates the environment and opportunity for the WW/WH to make their way back if they choose to do so.
I also want to add that creating this environment doesn't necessarily guarantee a return or a desire to piece. I know you didn't mean to say that if you do this, the other person will come back. You're just creating the environment for something to happen if the other person chooses to do so.
It's also important to realize that the WW/WH needs to have the capability to engage in the recon process. Some are just not cut out for it. My exW has high anxiety issues and is hugely conflict avoidant. For her to have engaged in the recon process meant that she would have to confront everything about her as well, as well as the marriage. She just doesn't have it in her to do so. She'd rather be someone new and try it the second go around than face her demons. As much as I kept the path paved, there was no inclination on her part to do any of the hard work.
I hope she's happy and life works out for her, but she is not the piecing type. There would have to be a lot of personal growth on her part and getting professional help to address her issues, which she's not willing to do. So, there's not much you can do about it.
Having said that, people can surprise you in ways and I don't ever discount that, but I wasn't willing to wait around for a miracle to happen.
