So W and I had a dustup while FF was out tonight and we were making dinner:
[Background: When I do dishes, which is most nights I’m home, I almost always hand-wash pots, pans, cookie sheets, etc., and then I hand dry them with a towel and leave them out on the stove to also air-dry. I almost never put them away before bed or the next morning—when I do, it’s usually around dinner the next day.]
W: "you never put them away...."
Me: "I never....?" [I absolutely hate when she uses always / never, so I’ve been trying to call her on it. Yeah, I did it quite a bit earlier in MR, but I’ve turned away from it.]
W: "You struggle..."
Me: "That must be very difficult for you..." [Okay, so I’ll 2x4 myself here for the tone, because I do know that it came out a bit sarcastic. I know—not helpful.]
Then she slams me for my tone and goes on (which, okay, I deserved a little bit).
She points her finger at me as she lays in to me, and I tell her, while holding YS, to please not talk to me like that. I say that a couple more times and then when she doesn’t stop, I then walk away carrying YS into another room.
She then finds me and tells me that if I want to talk, then let's talk because she's been wanting to talk for months but has gotten nothing out of me. She says it's like talking to a brick wall; worse, a brick wall that condescends.
She tells me she wants to know what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling—and she's had NONE of that from me for the last few months. What I’m doing with her is trying to validate / reflect back to her (some moments better than others); I’m letting very little of my emotions go through to her. Why should I tell her my emotions? So it can be used against me? Plus, I can’t reason / logic her to stay. For me, it’s kind of a Catch-22: I show my emotions, and she loses respect because I’m not much of a man (I get too sad / mopey, or too angry or too whatever). When I let little of that show? Not good enough.
So here is where I tried again with another, more sincere “that must be really difficult for you.” And here it comes: Yeah, it’s difficult for her, and she said she wants a partner, because she hasn't had a partner for months.
Unreal. She’s fired me as H a few times (Feb. 2018 with ILYBINILWY; Oct. 2018 with initial talk of separation; January 2019 with parenting plan, which is the legal date of separation; March 2019 D papers), and yet she’s the one who doesn’t have a partner? She goes out for work or with friends and I help with the kids and say little if anything about it (she’s going out with a female work friend on Thursday night for dinner). She’s been sick the last few days, so I’ve been doing most of the caregiving, and taking care of making dinner (I’m not complaining, but I’m stating what I’ve been doing). YS wakes up in the middle of the night and won’t fall back asleep? Daddy—you walk him around or rock him back to sleep. I’ve been doing my level best to say little / complain about things, and I’m also trying to embrace the time with the boys
I’ve also been taking her gym bag down to her car when I take YS’ diaper bag and bottles / lunch in the mornings before I leave. (A couple of months ago, she told me she wanted a partner to help, and so I offered taking all those bags as a potential remedy, and I’ve been doing that almost every morning I’ve been able to do so since. I know A/S told me don’t expect it to change things, but I’ve been framing it more mentally as doing it for YS, at least with his bags. In light of the D papers, I’ve wondered if I should stop taking her gym bag down—sounds like a job a husband would do, and she’s long since fired me as that.)
Since late-November, I’ve given her no ILYs, no affection / kisses, no asking for sex or intentional seduction of any kind, no dates besides our anniversary dinner before Christmas. She hasn’t had a partner for months? Tell me about it—and now I’m starting to imagine / take seriously a life without her. I also wonder if this may be her beginning to experience some sort of loss—maybe she is thinking that she’s starting to lose me. Or maybe it’s not that at all (no sense in mind-reading, and I probably shouldn’t flatter myself).
I’m sure that I probably could have handled this better, and probably some things I could be 2x4’ed for, and I’m also sure that there may be some things that W could be trying to tell me (usually a focus for LH, which I do appreciate). I’m sure W and I will have a talk after FF leaves on Tuesday. The question I really, really want to ask of her is: do you want a partner, or do you want a co-parent? I can do either. If all of this (and I mean EVERYTHING) is about not having a partner (including the recent D papers), then, man, I don’t know what to say. I’ll do my best to 180 on what I can, but I also don’t want her to manipulate me back into being a partner with D papers.
I’m not sure how fully detached I am if I’m posting about this, but right now I’m just at a point of mental exhaustion and ‘whatever’ with her about this. I’ve just about had it with this from her.
