Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

journaling...

Another great day at the office. I love the people I'm working with on this current project. I am so busy during the day and feel upbeat and positive and happy...about the time I look at the clock and realize it's time to go home, I feel a gut-punch.

H lives somewhere else. It can still feel surreal. I wonder how long I'll feel like that. It takes less time to talk myself down (so I'm thankful for that) but that hollow feeling stays with me a lot.

Reflecting back on the past 20 months since BD and I'm wondering why he hasn't just filed. Aside from a consult with an L, he hasn't done anything. A year ago December he said he was definitely going to file after the first. Now he says he doesn't want a D but can't be married to me anymore. But he's not doing anything. He goes to work, he goes to church, he comes here (a LOT) and goes to his apt.

It doesn't help to wish he would see an IC again. He didn't get very far with his last one. Didn't know what to talk about.

I'm hoping for his own sake that he is able to open up to someone who isn't afraid to give him a 2x4 when he needs it. That has been what has saved me from my feelings/mind and self.

I admire those of you on here who don't focus on your WAS/MLC. I seem to float back into wondering about him and worrying about him and in my mind, seeing how much better life would be if he would just look at this sitch rationally.

We really didn't have a horrendous M. I'm not the devil. He's no picnic, but we have such an amazing family/life together.

Detaching is still a work in progress (obviously!) I just don't want to talk about my sitch with anyone. I'd rather just journal it here. No one has answers anyway.

Just airing out my head.

Had plans for dinner with my S17 tonight, but he's still out in the pasture with H. I don't resent time he spends with his dad, but it would be better to get on a schedule.

That's def. on my to-do list.

Thanks for reading. Advice/comments always welcome. I hope this finds you full of joy in the midst of your messes.

Take care, friends.