Yail says: "Sometimes I think for self-preservation it is easier to hold the pain tight to your chest and not invite anyone else in."
I've been thinking same. We all go through (conscious or subconscious) emotional cost/benefit analyses.
Perhaps W's perceived benefit now may be avoidance of the pain she associates with me.
But at what cost? The joy I may bring to her life (which she does not perceive now); the presence I bring to her family (as I am close to her mom and nephews and nieces); the stability of family unit we have fought so hard to provide for our children?
A part of her is aware of this. At the time W walked away, she said, "It's time for me to focus on myself." She used language like, "I'm tired of accommodating..." and "It's time I gave myself allowance..."
I understand we all go through periods in life when we need to focus on ourselves. As the flight attendants tell us, "Tend to your own oxygen mask first, because if you don't, you will be in no position to help others."
But I do think that ultimately, joy is like a butterfly constantly flitting away as I pursue it. When I turn my gaze outwards to the needs of others, joy comes to me unbidden.
I DO understand W needs the oxygen mask right now. Will joy come eventually? I am sure of it. When that time comes, will she choose to come back? Only God knows. (And she's far too subtle for me at times.)
