TH, thanks for the reminder of my need to be strong.
Journaling and journeying:
I think I'm in the position most of us are in: joyful about life except for that one very important piece, which at this point, detracts from the levels of joy I experienced in pre-BD times.
Been spending quite a bit of time with a person I recently met. She has a great deal of intelligence and emotional wisdom. She has been through two difficult divorces and provides a very helpful female perspective on relationships. She has spoken candidly about her own midlife transitions, the role of hormonal changes, and the stress imposed upon women by society's expectations. Her level of self-awareness impresses me.
Conversations with her have helped me regard W with more empathy. I would feel frustrated about W's lack of emotional disclosure, i.e. my thoughts ran along the lines of, "If, as you say, you felt so unhappy for so many years, why didn't you just talk to me?"
Now I appreciate that to disclose, one must have sufficient awareness of what and how to disclose.
I honestly don't know if W will ever reach the point of self-awareness and self-accountability, or to rediscover her love for me, that she would be willing to surrender self-protection and take the risk of reconciliation. It would take a huge dollop of courage for her to walk back from her walking away.
