Oh, lot's of typos in my last post -- sorry, was at work and didn't have time to spell check.

Waves,
Wow, I am so sorry. That is terribly sad to read. I can also relate to so much of what you say, as my H said the exact same lines! He never saw himself in a long term R with her, he second guessed himself often, and he was afraid I would never forgive him. The main difference was that I found out about them after an extended EA and then I flipped my lid and kicked him out. So our interactions during that year we were separated we both knew that I knew about OW. I would really like to read your thread. I am going to do that and put some comments there.

othstr,
So he left before the baby was born while you were pregnant? That is just terrible. I cannot imagine what you went through. I am going to find your thread and read it too. I'll put some comments there. .... I think I understand what you are saying -- if they think they have completely lost you then that is contradictory to still wanting them back or being willing to take them back. It is a very, very fine line. It is also difficult to execute because we are human and our emotions often can interfere with how we would ideally like to communicate verses how we come across.

I think it also depends on what the D itself means to people. For me, the actual D is not necessarily the breakage of the union, but more the legal paperwork. IMO he already ended the M by having an A and then actually leaving and not trying to make it work. When my H was gone, I did my homework and I consulted an L. I soon learned that it would not make financial sense for me to file or even go through with a D. So even had my H not returned, and even if we were to separate today, I would not likely go through with a D. I would most likely lose my home, my community and my kids schools. I am not willing to do that. I would live separately form him and try my best to keep the kids in our house ... Others may not be in that situation and they may see that the D is the very end of the end of the M!

Another thing to note, is that not all WHs do return, and in fact most do not. Sadly, I think for some it's just too late, or for some their pride (or shame) prevents them from ever trying to return... Of the ones that do return, there seems to be a pattern of the LBS finally letting go, detaching, and starting to move on. She sends the message that she doesn't need him to be okay in life. He starts to feel that loss as she removes herself from plan B. She is simultaneously "paving the way home," in that he is no longer afraid of her hurt/anger - meaning she is approachable. And yes, it IS contradictory, which is another reason it is so hard. It is also hard to keep your emotional process private from a person that is no longer safe, but also send the message that you would possibly, maybe still be open to reconciliation. This also has to be done more with actions than words. So yes, it feels contradictory and it feels impossible. It took me about 6-9 months to put this into practice. When I finally "got it," my H did a very fast turn around.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela