Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[Davide]

It's been a while since I posted an update.

Quite frankly, the weeks after I filed were a struggle mentally. I wasn't flooded with memories or nostalgia but there was a weight that pressed down on my shoulders, and I felt the cloud of depression all around me. It didn't seem to really kick me in the pants until after my IC appointment, as I was rather positive and had a good perspective during that. However, returning to school for the final weeks before spring break, I was really dragging. I was also physically tired as I was taking some meds for my stomach that left me groggy, and I was stuck commuting everywhere by bike (it turns out my car is totaled).

I nearly broke things off with the professor I had been seeing because I really just wasn't in the mood to see her or do much of anything. There had been some bedroom issues that left me not really wanting to be intimate, and I was wondering if they were a reflection of ambivalence about the relationship. However, instead we had a long talk in which I told her with as much honesty as I could about how I was feeling. She was very understanding, and willing to give me as much space as I needed. I think I was also a little spooked about meeting her son since, in my mind, that represented a serious step in the relationship that I was unsure about being ready for. It was liberating to be able to speak frankly and freely with a partner about a relationship (since I haven't been able to do that with WAW in nearly a year). Things have been better since then, though I haven't seen as much of her since I can't get out to her place without a car.

I ended up running into W last week as I came home early due to rain from a group bike ride and she was still at the house feeding the dog. We sat and talked for half an hour as I offered her some tea. Earlier in the week she had left a dark chocolate bar for me on the table after walking the dog. I thanked her for that and for signing for the divorce documents. It wasn't nearly as fraught a conversation as the previous ones, and I tried to keep it light. She still gets emotional about the end of the marriage. I pointed out that it was just a piece of paper and that she never really cared about the papers. She agreed but said that the marriage was a real thing. I couldn't help but point out that the MR ended a long time ago. She's clearly still processing the fact that it is over, and going through a lot of the emotions that I lived last summer. I did tell her about the car accident since she noticed that the car wasn't there. She offered to lend me the moped we used to share (she bought a new motorcycle and isn't using it anymore). At first I turned her down, just like I turn down all of her offers, but later it was pointed out to me that I could use it to visit the professor, so it would actually be quite useful. She is going to drop it off at some point this week. We really only need to meet in person once more for her to sign the house over to me, but otherwise that's it. I do wonder whether it would be a good idea to leave town to make a fresh start elsewhere.

Last week was spring break, which I was dreading to an extant. It was a lot of free time, a lot of alone time, and given the mood I was in, a lot of time to stew in my own juices. However, it turned out much better than I thought. I was relatively productive, cleaning the house, taking care of my totaled car situation, catching up on some school work. It was also restorative as I slept more than I had in a long time. I did yoga nearly every day, and had my most productive climbing sessions in a while. I took the professor to a pro basketball game, in which my favorite team came to town for one of their two yearly visits. It is something I am passionate about, and hesitant to share because it seemed to come between my W and I. She didn't love the game (it was boring, even for me!) but she clearly wanted to support me and spend time with me, and recognized that it was something important for me.

This past weekend I flew home for a family wedding. It was great to catch up with my friends back home. I wasn't expecting much from the wedding since i am not particularly close with that part of my family, but it turned out to be a lot of fun. I had a bit too much to drink, but I also got out on the dance floor and enjoyed myself as if there were no one else there. It was as un-selfconscious as I have ever felt on the dance floor. It was liberating.

These are the ebbs and flows, the highs and lows. I'm just riding them out.